Team Meyer

Six years

2011-08-25T00:21:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm supposed to have something to say.
Something wise.
Something heartfelt.
Oh - and something new.

I don't.

I actually told someone I was going to post:
SAME SH-T, DIFFERENT DAY
and leave it at that.

Not sure anyone wants to hear the same old things.
Especially me.

The tears most bitter
slip silently from
behind
summer sunglasses.

Yesterday was six years since the end.
Not only the end of Dave's life on earth,
but the end of mine as I knew it.

But it also marks six years
of a new beginning.

Yesterday was also the first day of school.
And as we placed flowers on Dave's rock,
I thought about how in an hour or so,
the building behind us would come alive,
empty, echoing rooms would fill
with laughter and lecture,
with cheers and complaints,
and all the drama that is high school.

Dave loved the first day of the school year.
It's shiny and new and fairly bursting
with promise
and hope.

It's a chance to start over,
to get it right this time.
Fresh and clean.
He loved it all.

The acrid smell of just-sharpened pencils,
lined up just so.
Squeaky, too-white shoes.
A box of new crayons,
every point still defined,
neat rows, like little soldiers.
The carefully chosen outfits,
designed to look as if
the wearer didn't give it a second thought.

The empty pages of a grade book,
blank,
yet full of possibility,
not yet written.

The warm bear hugs for people he knew.
"So good to see you,
how was your summer?
How are you?"
And he really did want to know
how you were.

Smiles for new faces.
"I'm glad to know you."
And somehow, he could sound,
every time, like he'd been waiting,
just to meet you.

He gave his very best to each one.

"You know Shell,
nobody cares how much you know
until they know
how much you care."

So he found ways to care.
Loud music coming from his portable.
Louder cheering at assemblies.
Crazy assignments.
Crazier clothes.
Briefcase held together with duct tape.
Walls papered with pictures and notes.
Funny cartoons of Sheriff Joe on the white board.
Guitars and Hawaiian shirts.
A listening ear.
A place to eat lunch.
A shoulder and a kleenex.
A nudge in the right direction.

He believed in those kids.
And wanted so much for them.
And demanded so much from them.
He pushed and challenged them.
Supported and believed them.
Stood up for them.
Stood up to them.

Bev Bos tells a story of a little boy who came to preschool one day, feeling a little cranky. She greeted him warmly, only to be rebuffed. After a few attempts, she said, "Well, if you change your mind, I'll be right here." And the little guy looked up at her and said, "Oh hell, Bev, you're always here."

Perceptive for four years old, eh?
Presence is key.

That was Dave.
Always here.
Fully present.
Open door.
Open heart.
Kids could count on him.
Unconditionally.

The first day of school
is a marker.
It's also a chance
to leave some things behind.

A time to re-create.
To be re-born.
To let go of mistakes.
To do better.

And you don't have to wait for the start of a new school year.
I think this is why Dave actually liked Mondays.
It's a new week.
Another new start.
Another chance.

There's a song by Casting Crowns that says:

Jesus You know just how far
The east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

Amazing.
Jesus casts out our sin.
We are re-born.

And on this day,
six years ago,
Dave was re-born,
into a new and perfect life.

I, too, was re-made,
into a life far less perfect.

But...
I still have the first day of school.

And so do you.
So make a new start.
Hug somebody like you mean it.
Risk being vulnerable by caring too much.
Believe, really believe, in what seems impossible,
but you know is important.
Stand up for someone.
Cheer louder than you need to.
Forgive someone.
Forgive yourself.
Go to K-Mart, buy a box of new crayons and take a whiff.
Remember?
It's a new year.
It's a new day.

Baby flies...

2011-06-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

How did this happen?
I knew it would.

My Kate. Little Red. Baby Cakes.
She's in Germany, on the autobonne. Heading to a Mercedes-Benz factory.

I always knew she'd go far.
Not "going far" as in being successful, although that's a certainty as well.
But literally. Going far...far away from lil Walla Walla.

This child has had the world by the tail since before she could walk. She was born into it. Dave had waited through four pregancies before getting his girl. He adored her without reservation. And so did her brothers. On Grant Street, the sun rose and set on a little girl with copper ringlets who wrinkled her nose and stamped her foot and filled our house with sweet giggles.

She was always a little miffed when the rest of the world didn't stop on a dime for her. She fully expected it should. She was a keen observer and a real thinker. At preschool they thought she was shy. Far from it. She was carefully watching and considering. She could describe the actions, thoughts, emotions and motivations of her classmates. She's always been one to look below the surface. To never take things at face value.

When she was barely five she said, "Mommy, is Santa Claus real?" Our policy had always been to be truthful. Our culture is saturated with that stuff and we tried to help the kids sort out what they believed. So I said, "What do you think?" With Zach, this had led to a long discussion about the probabilities of reindeer flying and how to factor in the changing of time zones around the world. When I asked Kate the "what do you think" question, Kate put her hands on hips, in a pose that was already signature, and said, "I didn't ask about what I thought. I asked for the truth." Okay. Okay. This was going to be different.

And different she was. Delightfully so. Dave said, "She has music in her head that only she can hear," as he watched her dance across the floor. Like Dave, she rarely walked. Step-ball-change, cheney turn, leap, glide, bounce, twirl, skip. But not walk.

Her brothers love life in Walla Walla. Kenny is fiercely loyal, and Zach likes the pace of life here. Slow and rolling, like the hills that surround the town.

Not Kate. She regularly asks to move to Seattle. She loves the big city life. The noise, the people, the lights, the hustle & bustle. She was perfectly at home in Chicago, not awed by the skyscrapers, not at all amazed by the fact that you had to take TWO elevators to get to the top. Not intimidated by the El or the taxis or the airports, navigating her way like an expert. Completely in her element. "I love it here," she beamed. "I can tell, baby, I can tell." Her sense of confidence is amazing.

The big world calls to something in her. And she responds. She wants to see it all. Go everywhere. Do everything. I always knew her inner landscape was wider than most. She reaches for things that others can't see, or even imagine. I knew those wings, curled in and waiting, would stretch out someday and carry her away. I just didn't know it would be so soon.

She's off to Germany and Spain. She'll be gone a month. A month. And she'll be fine. She has talents that world travelers need. She can pack for a month is a small suitcase. She can find all the important signs. She never gets lost. She gets me un-lost all the time. She doesn't worry.

Me, I worry. Not about her. About planes and weather and people in too-fast BMWs. About e-coli and sunburns and all kinds of things. But her? No. That little red has the world by the tail. And if the world knows what's good for it, it will cooperate.

Fly high, baby girl. My love is in you and my prayers surround you. This is just the beginning.

Autism Awareness

2011-04-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

Open Letter to the World: (from http://www.facebook.com/AwarenessIsNotEnough?sk=app_4949752878#!/AwarenessIsNotEnough

(The first part is from the Autism Understanding and Acceptance website. I have left it in its original format, even though I would change a few things - particularly the capitalization :D. I have added our story after the words "This is what autism means to me....")

Awareness is not enough.

We (The Autism Community) need for you to know what Autism is.
We can only achieve that through Autism Understanding and Acceptance.

Awareness of autism has risen dramatically in the past few years, and awareness is certainly a good place to start. Increased awareness has helped parents get earlier diagnoses for their children, and it has helped secure funding for research. However, it hasn’t done much to change public perception of what autism really is.

This is a call out to the world to understand the people and the disorder.

This is a call out to the world to accept the people and the disorder.

You can not understand or accept the people until you understand and accept the Autism they have.

Autism is a part of who they are.

The media has focused almost entirely on children with autism – but children grow up. In a society where one in 110 children is diagnosed with autism (the latest figures from the Centers for Disease Control), no one can afford to ignore the significance of this disability. People with autism are children, teenagers, adults, men, women, scientists, programmers, engineers, unemployed, in care homes … too many of them continue to be bullied, to be judged, or to just be ignored.

Each person is unique. Each person has their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses just like you or I.

The charities, the organizations, the groups, the parents, the people with Autism themselves... we ask you... no, we need you to know what Autism really is.

Today, we ask for your Autism Understanding and Acceptance.

This is what autism means to me.

Autism means grief and loss.

I found out I was pregnant with Kenny on the first anniversary of Kyle's death. Such dreams were symbolized in that little pregnancy test stick turning pink. A new chance, new hope. I imagined, as most expectant mommies do, a million things about this child to come. What would he look like? Maybe he would be tall and strong with warm eyes like his daddy. Maybe he would be a reader, loving words like his mommy. Maybe he'd be like his grandpa and find satisfaction in solving complicated equations. Would his heart be okay? I wondered and worried and painted endless new realities in my mind.

Then he arrived, beautiful and perfect and healthy. Such absolute joy, fueled by relief, filled my home and my heart. It was going to be okay.

He grew into an active toddler with blonde curls and eyes that were neither brown, gold, green or blue, but a kaleidoscope of all those colors. He laughed and cuddled and ran us ragged. He talked. And talked. It was going to be okay.

Until it wasn't. One day, at Wayne Deckman's wedding, Kenny was restless, so I took him out of the sanctuary to a church foyer. Kenny was climbing up and down the steps. I tried to amuse him with the usual games. "Kenny, where's your nose?" Ordinarily this resulted in delighted squeals and a small index finger placed on that cute nose. This day, nothing. "Kenny, where's your nose?" Nothing. "Kenny, where's your tummy?" Nothing. Now tinged with a bit of alarm, "KENNY, where's your chin?" I pulled him close, and in what was to become a habitual gesture, touched his chin to turn his face to look at me. His eyes darted away from mine. Seeds of doubt were planted in that moment.

Within six weeks, Kenny went from 70+ words to almost none. He screamed. And didn't sleep. And ran through the house in a frenzy, jumping and climbing on everything. Was he deaf? Was it allergies? Was it teething? Was it his shots? Was it me?

It took months to get a diagnosis. And the day the doctor said, "Yes, it is what you thought. It is autism." In my head, I screamed, "NO! I take it back, he's fine. He's fine. He has to be fine."

But he wasn't. I wasn't. Dave wasn't. Nothing was fine. I watched the dreams I had for my baby crumble and fall. What would his life be like? No-one could answer this question. No-one. Would he read? Would he drive? Would he make a friend? Marry? Be happy? Questions flooded over me, like a waterfall over a rocky cliff.

Autism has robbed my son, my family. I remember looking at Kenny, riding his little scooter down the sidewalk, knowing - this is the very same child I loved yesterday. I love him today. That is the only thing that hasn't changed. Everything else is different.

A recurring lesson in my life has been to love what you have, to not live in the grief of what you no longer have. But, still, that grief has to be acknowledged. The loss is very real.

Kyle's death was nothing short of devastating. And I do think that his death allowed me to be a better mother to Kenny. On our very worst days, I could still be grateful. I could place my hand on his chest, feel that heart beating solidly, and be glad. I knew it could be so much worse.

But at the same time, it was. Kyle's death had an endpoint. A time when it was over. The learning to live with that loss is ongoing, but his death was one event. With autism, the losses just keep coming. Day after day, year after year, you find new things you must give up.

Autism means change.

Everything about autism requires change. I had to change what I did, how I did it and who I was.

We turned our life and our finances upside down to find a treatment that would help Kenny. Our criteria was, if it can't hurt him, we will try it. Auditory integration, sensory integration, physical & occupational & speech therapy, relationship & play therapy, nutrition and diets, behavioral interventions, vitamins, yeast treatments. And on and on.

We worked with him 40 hours per week. We enrolled him in an inclusive preschool. We had consultants from UCLA come. We recruited and trained Whitman students to work with him. We videotaped sessions, had weekly meetings and I stayed up all night to review tape to make sure we were consistent.

I became the mother from hell. I learned how to advocate. How to be the voice for a child who couldn't speak. How to keep him from getting chewed up by a system that doesn't know what to do for a child like him. I spoke up, spoke out and fought constantly. I changed. Dave changed. Our marriage changed. It was all-consuming. Autism consumed my every thought and action.

Dave suffered. Zach suffered. Kenny suffered most of all. And it was like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon.

I prayed constantly. Some days I hated God. Some days I was filled with self-pity. Some days I was filled with anger. Some days I was filled with determination. Some days I was filled with doubt. I was about as cuddly as a porcupine on crack.

Kenny fought therapy. We had to pad the chair. He thrashed and lashed out. He wouldn't sit down, much less do any other task. Our UCLA consultant told us that was a good sign. He realized he was giving up control. I clung to that hope. I doubted and wavered and thought, maybe this was a bad idea. And then one day, the therapist said, "Do this," and put a block in a cup. Kenny looked straight at the therapist, picked up the block and put it in the cup. Never mind that two seconds later he was throwing himself on the floor in a rage. He had done it. In that moment, we discovered ourselves on a new road. This new road was still not that beautiful garden path I had imagined. It was dark and full of pitfalls and dangers still, but it was headed in a new direction. It was headed out of this abyss called autism.

Autism means joy and hope.

They say there's nothing like the joy of hearing your child say mama. Kenny said mama a million times before he was 17 months old. And, yep. I was overjoyed. "Mama, he said Mama. He knows who I am!" I reveled in the sound of his voice. But I've got to tell you, that was nothing compared to what I felt when Kenny said his first word for the second time. We were looking out the window and a school bus drove by. "BUS!" he exclaimed. Bus. Yes, bus. My baby said bus. No-one in the world but Kenny and I know how many hours, how much effort, how many tears and prayers were in that one word. Bus. To this day, my heart warms when I see a big yellow school bus and I always wave at the driver. I'm pretty sure the bus drivers in Walla Walla wonder about the crazy lady in the silver suburban, but I just can't help it. Bus. Bus. Was there ever anything more beautiful than the sound of that word? BUS!

There's an old saying that goes something like this: Your problems come bearing gifts.

It's true. Like Kyle's death, Kenny's autism has meant incredible pain. But there are two sides to everything. Coins. Stories. Grief. Loss. Love. All of these have many facets.

Because of Kyle's death, I can treasure things that might have annoyed or frustrated me had I lived a different life. Would I change it? In a New York minute.

Because of Kenny's autism, I have discovered many things. Would I have given anything to have learned those things in another way? Of course. But it is what it is, right? This is the life I have. This is the life Kenny has. And even along the darkest parts of this journey, there are scattered gems on the path that sparkle and shine in the gloom. If you can see them, if you can bring yourself to pick them up, they are gifts. Maybe not always the gifts we longed for, but gifts just the same.

I have witnessed the generosity of the human heart in so many ways. From Whitman students who gave up their Ultimate Frisbee time to teach Kenny how to talk and who are his facebook friends today to preschool teachers who carried him on their hips when he was cranky to teachers who found ways to value Kenny's unique way of being in their classrooms, to other moms who sustained me, to those incredible kids who would become Kenny's friends. I have so many stories.

Once, we were at the park at one of Zach's baseball games. Kenny was playing on the rocks by the end of the duck pond. Another child found Kenny and they started playing hide-and-seek. Kenny was about 8 and fairly verbal by this time. I watched them a bit and they seemed to be doing fine so I watched the game. I watched Zach catch. I watched him pitch. I watched him check where his brother was between every play. Then I heard it. All the other autie moms will know what I mean. That sound that's somewhere between a yell and a donkey's bray that children with autism use to indicate distress. "Here we go," I thought, and got out of my chair.

Before I could get there, a boy from Kenny's school who was an acquaintance of Zach's, stopped the game of catch he was playing and went to Kenny. He put his hand gently on Kenny's shoulder and said, "Hey buddy, it's okay, just breathe." And he waited a second until Kenny calmed down. Then he said, "What's wrong?" And Kenny launched into this frenzied explanation. But the boy figured it out. He patted Kenny on the back and said, "It's okay, we'll work it out." And then he said to Kenny's hide-and-seek buddy, "Kenny only knows the regular rules to hide-and-seek, so you can't really play things like Ninja hide-and-seek. Changing stuff kinda freaks him out." The new kid said, "Okay. Come on Kenny, we'll play the regular way." And off they went. Kenny and new kid to play, and helper boy back to his game of catch. It took about two minutes. That two minutes was a magical, life-changing gift. That boy didn't have to help. But he did. The new kid didn't have to understand. But he did. I watched Zach's game through tears.

There are so many examples of this. Teenagers who gave up their Saturdays so that Kenny could play baseball and be on a team like his brother. And then there was football. Kenny said he wanted to play football. Oh crap. Oh crap. Now what? Surely if he was gonna get beat up or teased, this would be it. But who am I to put barriers in front of my son? So, football it was. And I watched, anxious and on alert for any signs of bullying or berating. Do you know what I saw? Star athletes stopping to help Kenny tie his cleats. Linebackers helping Kenny get into position. Coaches high-fiving him. Amazing is not a strong enough word. Jason Parsons arranged for Kenny to be able to make a touchdown in the 5th quarter of a Southridge game. It was one of the high points of Kenny's life. His buddies elected him most inspirational player. Not once, but twice. His schoolmates voted him Homecoming King his senior year. The yearbook shows a picture of Kenny with a globe. He was voted "Most Likely To Be Friends Forever - With Everyone."

Remember when I wondered if he would ever make a friend? Kenny's autism has given people an opportunity to show the best of who they are.

And Kenny? He will staunchly tell you that he no longer has autism. There are still struggles. There are still things to come to terms with - daily. I do not want to give you the impression that our battles are over. Far from it. But Kenny is happy. He looks like his dad and reads (maybe not quite as much as mom), but math has eluded him. He does make friends. He is fierce about sports. He takes classes at CC. He loves drama and has a part in the play - Kevin Loomer is an answer to a prayer. He has a job (thanks, Ann North Jones) and navigates around town on the bus. He texts his friends (A LOT) on his phone and likes everything on FaceBook (except the Huskies, the Yankees and the Steelers). He has a good heart and is honest to the core. He loves and lives passionately.

Do I still wish autism had never come to our family? Absolutely. 100%. Yes, yes, a million times, yes. I can never, ever find words to express how much I wish that. The only thing I wish more is that cancer and heart defects had also never come to us. This trifecta is ugly and has robbed us of more than even I know.

But the tiny voice of hope will not be stilled. I have hope. I have moments of pure joy. And I have love.

Do your part. Donate. Volunteer. Educate yourself. Speak out. Vote.

PS. One more thing that you can do. Remember Your words are powerful. Words shape our attitudes and our attitudes influence our actions. It's more than being politically correct. Use People First Language. http://www.txddc.state.tx.us/resources/publications/pfanguage.asp Kenny is a person first. Autism is something he has, not something he is. He is not autistic. He has autism.

Kenny two days before diagnosis.

Kenny after the touchdown.

Kendra, Kenny's beautiful homecoming date, shows him who really wears the crown!

PPS. You can comment below. :D It makes me feel less insane when you talk back.

Simba, Mufasa & Rafiki

2011-02-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

Remember the Lion King?
Remember the Circle of Life?

I've been thinking about it a lot.
I find myself actually thinking in cliche's.
About seasons turning,
winds of change,
things like that.

Once upon a time,
my children were babies.

I held them, rocked them, sometimes I couldn't even put them down for a nap, I just held them the whole time. I admit to being a bit more...what's the word? Attached, hovering, paranoid? ...than most moms. After all, I knew what it was to lose a child. And I held those moments dear. Savoring every moment. Watching dark eyelashes flutter against perfect pink skin, listening to little contented sighs. Breathing in the unique scent of those little tufts of baby hair. Touching little rosebud toes.

I couldn't imagine anything better.
And then they grew.
Sticky hands, wobbly steps, hugs back, squeals of laughter and hearing "mama."
Surely this is the best it gets.
And then they're in preschool.
Silly songs, making friends, having ideas of their own, investigating the world, showing it to you through their eyes.
Sheer bliss.

You get the idea, right?
And while I discover something new to love each time, each stage, there is a part of me that realizes that I'm working myself out of a job. I had a moment of grief, of mixed longing and mourning when each of my children turned nine. After all, 9 is half-way to 18, and at 9, I knew, half the time I'd been given was gone.

Home is where your story starts.
But it continues to grow somewhere else.
This is that circle, that cycle, that change of seasons.
It's supposed to be that way.

When Zach began his senior year, I knew that there were many things we were doing together for the last time. Like carving pumpkins. College kids don't generally travel home for Halloween.

What would I do when he was gone, living in some dorm? How would I sleep at night when I couldn't look into his room, hear him breathe and know he was safe?

And here we are. Zach is halfway through his freshman year at OSU six hours away. I have survived four months. 120 nights. I'm okay. He's okay.

Not to imply it's been a cake-walk. Even good change is tough sometimes. We took Zach to Corvallis in September. We helped him unpack. It was hard work and Kate wouldn't help in protest. Eventually, we were tired and hungry and cranky. We got dinner and then took Z back to the dorm. He got out of the car and walked toward that huge brick building. He turned and waved so I could get the required picture. I prayed then, and got a bit teary-eyed, but I was okay. I know many things. I know that Zach is where he is supposed to be. I know that God loves him, even more than I do. And I know that Zach loves God. Those things help. It's time. It's time for him to move forward, to (cliche' again) spread those wings and fly. It was okay.

And then on the way home, Kenny said something funny when a song came on the radio. And a few hours later, when the song came on again, Kate repeated what Kenny had said. We all laughed. And then Kate gets quiet. "What, baby?" With a serious look on her face she says, "When Zach comes home for Christmas and we do that, he won't know what we mean." We weren't even home yet, and we had already created an inside joke without him. And then I cried. Really cried, realizing that we were, once again at a place of division. This crossroads would be defining. A before and after sort of place. A time where we could look back and look ahead and see that the two were not the same. A place where everything changes.

I'm proud of the man that Zach is. He works hard. He's intelligent and thoughtful. He's strong in his faith and he's a kind and loyal friend. I enjoy his company and I'm grateful to have him as a son.

Do I wish for things to go backwards, to what they were? No. Even though I do miss having Zach here. I miss getting to talk to him daily. I miss his hugs and hearing his laugh. I miss tripping over his big shoes and I miss the sound of his voice. I miss listening to music with him. I miss his funny rants about random things. I miss his passion and how fired up he gets. I miss his enthusiasm and encyclopedic knowledge of sports. Sometimes I even get a bit nostalgic for his crankiness. And every once in a while, I wish I could hop in a Delorian and zip back to 1992 and scoop up that sweet baby again, hold him close and bury my nose in his hair while he held my ear.

But only for a minute.
Only for a minute.
For if we live in what was,
we miss out on what is.

Convenience

2010-11-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

It's Veteran's Day in 34 minutes.
I think about many soldiers...who gave up so much,
for our country.
For us.
For me.

And their families.
The moms, the wives, the sisters, the daughters.
Dads, husbands, brothers, sons.
Who wait. And worry.
And pray.

I never had to be one of those women.
Someone else did that for me.
It's a bit overwhelming when I stop to think about it.

About what others gave up.
About my own complaints.
It's amazing to me the things I find inconvenient.
When I think about what others have sacrificed.
I am profoundly sad.

Freedom.
And what do we do with it?

Look around.
See what's on TV, magazines, movies...
Or the street, the hallway, the park, the store....
Fast, easy.
Quick, convenient, satisfying.

When is the last time we had to really work for anything?
There are "Fast Cash" buttons on ATMs.
Really?
I can't be bothered to push a few buttons?
I already can't take time to get out of my car and actually talk to another person.

I worry about the influence of Facebook on my life.

Sure, it amuses me and fills my time with mindless games.

It gives an odd sense of the personal, keeping up with people I don't actually talk to.

But what worries me most is not the public way people on Facebook live their lives, but the abbreviated way they do. I do.

Facebook....and even worse, Twitter....encourages brief snapshots into our lives.
A quick status update.
"Ate a blueberry muffin."
"Bought 10 bottles of ketchup - on sale!"
"My dog did the funniest thing."

It's voyeurism, therapy and comedy all in one.

But it doesn't really encourage deeper thought. Things happen and are posted and responded to. But examination of what it all means is hard to find.

You can find a quote for any occasion, that's for sure. Just load status shuffle.
You can share your taste in jokes or music.
You can get attention with a cryptic status.
You can band together with thousands who "like" the same things you do.

But you don't have to think.
Sometimes we do.
Think, care, share, connect.

But...in 142 characters...
How often does that really happen?
1 in 10? Less?

But, boy, it's convenient.

I think today,
in honor of a Vet,
I'll do something the hard way.
Something that takes self-discipline.
Something that requires sacrifice.
That isn't easy or convenient.

It makes me sad that I will have to think hard to discover what that might be.

2010 Christmas

2010-10-31T19:25:00.001-07:00

Faith Hope Love Religious

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The words I would say

2010-10-25T01:01:00.001-07:00

For my Zach...the chorus makes me think of you. God has His hand on you.

Sidewalk Prophets - The Words I Would Say

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

Five Years Ago

2010-08-23T03:10:00.000-07:00

This is what my children looked like five years ago.

This was June.

How were we to know that Dave would be gone two months later?

How could we have imagined such a thing?

Sure, he'd been sick.

But he'd been sick before.

I could not imagine that he would die.

Somehow I still can't.

In that five years.....

So much has happened.

We got a dog.

And then another.

Kenny played football.

Zach played football.

Kate danced.

Kenny skied.

Zach played basketball.

So did Kate.

Kenny ran track.

Zach caught baseball.

Kate played volleyball.

Kenny graduated and won the Lou Jacky award.

Zach graduated and was speaker at baccalaureate.

President Kate left middle school.

We hosted Japanese students and had barbeques. We went camping and to a million tournaments. Homework and dinner. School and the field. We drove in the car (a lot) and bought groceries (also a lot). Birthdays and anniversaries. Christmas and Easter. Hotels and church. Some everyday events. Some life-changing events.

New friendships were forged, while some old were lost.

We were tested in ways we could not have imagined.

We found strengths we didn't know we possessed.

We found weaknesses that were hidden, too.

We wavered. Often.

Like a newborn foal on wobbly legs.

But some things cannot be shaken.

And to these things we hold fast.

In February of 2005, when Dave did not say,

"We'll beat it."

And my heart knew.

The first thing I thought was that Kenny would be playing football at WaHi in six short months.

Dave HAD to be there. He just had to.

I could NOT imagine his boy on the field, playing the game he loved, without Dave there.

It seemed impossible.

Unimaginable.

And yet, six months later, I was placing pads and boiling mouth guards and lacing things through my tears. And Kenny was out on the field. And Dave wasn't there.

And a year later, it happened again. Zach, tearing up the field, his intense determination driving him, making big plays, arms in the air, triumphant. And Dave...not there.

Unimaginable.

Kate, dancing across the stage, gliding, graceful...remembering the last time she danced while Dave was alive...he was in the hospital and couldn't come to the recital. Remembering how he always laughed at how "that girl has music in her head that no-one else can hear."

Unimaginable.

And now, five years later...it's still unbelievable to me. Part of my heart still does not believe it. I still look for him when those moments happen. I still think of how excited he will be to hear about this or that.

And all the things I never imagined....

How Kenny would be embraced by the students and staff at WaHi.

How Zach would grow into an honest man of such faith and integrity.

How Kate would understand what someone who is dying needs to hear.

How Kenny would be one to tell the complete unvarnished truth.

How Zach would be so loyal, dependable and strong.

How Kate would be the one to reach out to a friend in need.

How Kenny would be such a devoted fan.

How Zach would be such a hard worker.

How Kate would be such a deep thinker.

And so much more.

I am proud beyond words of each of them.

They have faced much, and endured much.

But they have grown to be compassionate, faithful, strong, intelligent and kind.

I also could not imagine how I would survive.

But I did.

Impossible. Unimaginable.

But I did. I am.

Tonight we went to church.

It still hurts to be there.

But Robin, our pastor, is sick.

And Robin has been there for us in a million ways.

He knew Dave as a boy.

He officiated at our wedding.

He helped us bury Kyle.

He baptized our children...and me.

He gave the sermon at Dave's service.

And he's leaving tomorrow for treatment.

For cancer.

For three months.

It never ends.

Sometimes that's hopeful.

Sometimes it's heavy.

I sat on the back porch tonight.

Thinking of the night five years ago.

After Kate finally fell asleep.

The late August days in Walla Walla are hot.

Oppressive heat, heavy heat.

Air that's hard to breathe midday.

But as the sun goes down,

there is a hint of autumn in the air.

It's still hot.

But the breeze has a cool edge.

Just enough so you know.

Something will leave.

And something else will come.

To everything there is a season.

For those who believe,
no proof is needed.
For those who do not believe,
no proof is possible. ~ Stuart Chance

And so I choose to believe.

In the impossible.

Even the unimaginable.

graduation season

2010-07-15T01:31:00.001-07:00

kate's recognition
Originally uploaded by shibelle007

Playing around on the flickr site!

Japan

2010-05-04T22:20:00.001-07:00

Teenagers are crazy. All over the world.
I love this picture. My silly kids. I adore each of them.

We just finished a two-week adventure.
I know that two weeks can change your life.
It's happened to me before.
But I never expected that having two Japanese students stay with us for two weeks would be so amazing.

Here's a picture of Koki and Masamichi.

They came to Walla Walla.
For a cultural exchange.
Some of you might find that funny.
I wonder what it was like for them. They live in a big city in Japan - Yokohama. They attend a private school that used to be a boarding school, with beautiful gardens and gorgeous views. One lives in an apartment building with pets like hamsters and turtles. They arrived in suits and ties, pulling their hard-shelled suitcases.

I wonder what they thought.
The loud and crazy Americans, waving signs, dressed casually, giving them Walla Walla t-shirts and cookies.
They smiled a lot.
And we brought them home.
Through rolling hills and running streams and acres of wheat and lots of grapes.
To two giant, enthusiastic dogs and four fuzzy cats who actually own a section of our kitchen counter.
Their English was pretty good. My Japanese non-existent. I quickly learned a few phrases and used google translator. I can now confidently count to three. Their English teacher has a British (or maybe Australian) accent, so I'm certain we sounded odd to them.

We ordered pizza. "Do you like pizza?"
Smiles and nodding heads. They knew pizza.
They changed into jeans and sneakers.
Whew.
We were going to be okay.

They brought lovely gifts...so many of them.
Intricately crafted wooden frames and key fobs, Japanese toys, a book about Japan.
Towels and Japanese mugs and embroidered pouches for purse-sized tissues.
We marveled at the beautiful things.

Masamichi showed us a card trick. We discovered that we laugh in the same language.

We played games. Ping pong, badmitton, baseball, hibachi ball (wait, hibachi...that's a grill...well, you know what I mean.) Jumped on the trampoline and played basketball and threw those weird little balls that you catch in a funky basket.

We took them to the grocery store to choose food.
Ramen and oreos.
Sprite, not Coke.
I wrote to my friend, Stephanie, living in Japan, to ask, "What do I feed them?" She said, "Pizza and burgers until they're sick of them! And if all else fails, rice."

I fought the strange urge to repeat what I'd said in Spanish during the times they didn't understand me.

Oh, and the competitive table games.
Othello, Uno, and Jenga. And puzzle games: Dice Stacker, Log Stacker, Jacob's Revenge. (Wonderful company, go to http://www.elversonpuzzle.com/ and check them out. Great people with hearts of gold who run it. And really fun puzzles.)

Zach played a round with 4 Japanese kids and said, "That was the most fun game of Jenga I've ever played and I didn't understand a word."

Although Walla Walla is really full of culture for a small town - some of the things that went on that week: plays, speakers, art shows, world-class restaurants, roller derby (yeah, roller derby), operas, concerts and symphonies. We took them to Ice Burg and Bowlaway Lanes with disco lights. And baseball games!

And we did decide to go to Seattle.

I marveled at the Japanese boys. They're like babies. Put them in the car and they immediately fall asleep. They missed the mountains. Both directions.

We saw the Space Needle, Pike Street Market, Seattle Center, the pier/waterfront and a Mariner's game. Kailee got to come with us. We had such fun.

And then we went to see the Haroldson's. Pure bliss.

We came home. The boys went to school with Zach.
There were quiet moments.
Times where the kids just draped themselves over the couches and played x-box.
Times when they ran the neighborhood.
Times when we laughed ourselves silly.
And soon, home meant...our house, with us...and Koki and Masamichi.

I found the boys who were nervous about the pets, sitting on the couch with a cat on their lap and a dog underfoot.
I listened to Zach and Sarah call them "my kids."
I watched Zach panic like a new dad when he couldn't find Masamichi one night. (Masamichi was behind the couch, asleep.)
I had to take the puzzle dice away from Masamichi so he'd go to bed.
I watched Kaitlyn at the cultural night see a Japanese boy bust a move. She smiled and did it back. He and his friends said, "Oooohhh!!" And it was on. He popped. And she did it back. Her jazz turn, his robot. Music and movement, transcend all language.
And laughter belongs to every culture.

On cultural night, Koki, dressed in a traditional Japanese kimono, danced a traditional Japanese dance. Masamichi gave a karate demonstration that was unbelievable, culminating in breaking a board with his foot. They taught us to write Japanese characters and to wrap a kimono and to eat with chopsticks. They played music for us...everything from intricate-sounding Japanese instruments to the Bay City Rollers - S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

And all too soon, it was time to send them home.
They put on their suits at 5:30 am.

I took them to WaHi. I hugged them and hugged them.
And they hugged back. And we all cried a little.
And then the bus pulled out of that parking lot.
With a piece of my heart on board.

Ai, misheru
愛、ミシェル

Kyle

2010-01-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is January 2.
One of the five happiest days of my life.
It's the day Kyle was born.
Dave was so excited. All through the pregnancy, Dave was sure this was a girl. He bought this little pink sleeper. He was just sure that Kyle was a girl. Actually, he was sure it was a girl all four times! But if he were to be a boy, his name was to be Kenny or Erik. Kenny or Erik. Erik or Kenny. We went back and forth. Dave said, "Oh, it didn't matter anyway, since Amanda Loree was going to be born." A few days before Kyle was born, we had an ultrasound, because there had been so much confusion on his due date (turned out he was 3.5 weeks overdue!), and we discovered he was a boy! A boy! We were amazed. And suddenly decided to name him Kyle. Don't ask me why or how. It just happened.

Dave's brother, Bob, was in town for the weekend. I'd had a lot of contractions on Dave's birthday, he was hoping that Kyle would be born on his birthday, but it didn't happen. Then early, early on January 2, I started having contractions. Dave was completely beside himself. He got the stopwatch, and not only timed, but wrote down every contraction, with full description. It finally made me crazy and I threw away his paper and pen. So no cute memento for the baby book.

Dave loaded the car.

You can see how excited he was. He took a picture of my giant belly on our way out the door. I don't have that one scanned....sorry! Or maybe not. That's something else you might not know. Dave LOVED baby tummies. He continually rubbed my tummy, talking to the baby, reading books and singing songs. All our babies immediately recognized and sought out Dave's voice. He loved other baby tummies, too. Just ask Denise.

A textbook, almost silent, exactly 12 hour long labor later, Kyle was born at exactly 6:00 pm. He was beautiful. Perfect. Dave was amazed. Simply amazed.

I've always loved this picture. You can see the excitement, the nervousness, the awe.

Dave was the best Daddy ever. He was thrilled. He cut the cord. He gave the first bath. He changed the first diaper. He flew Kyle through the air on his hand...Air Kyle, he called it. He soothed Kyle by snuggling him next to his skin and nestling his little head against his neck, humming deeply, so Kyle could feel the vibrations and hear his voice. He loved to sleep with the baby, could hardly bear to put him down.

We were a family, we were delirously happy. I had planned to go back to work. The minute I held Kyle, I told Dave, "I can't do it. I can't leave him." So we changed plans, so I could stay home.

We had 25 gloriously happy days. Days of joy. Days untouched by fear or doubt or pain or sadness. Nothing but pure hope, a trust in the future, a closeness, a growing together that was simply miraculous.

Then, one day, at the mall with my friend, Dave with Erik and Mark on the way to a gig, Kyle stopped breathing.

I remember it like a movie. So surreal. I remember my heart beating so loudly in my own ears, pounding, pounding, adrenaline rushing through my body. I couldn't tell if Kyle was breathing, if his heart was beating or if that was my own heart. I started CPR. Someone asked me questions. I couldn't answer, so a little black girl, about 14, tiny, willowy, took Kyle and continued rescue breaths. I watched her in amazement. The ambulance arrived. I remember seeing the paramedic uniforms. It was like my dad had arrived. I felt safe suddenly. I knew that if anyone could save him, they could. They ripped open his sleeper, blue and white striped. They started an IV. They put a tube in his mouth. They motioned for me to follow them. I saw Kyle's pacifier on the floor and grabbed it. I would hold that pacifier for weeks, afraid to let go of it. I climbed into a police car which followed the ambulance to the hospital. It took forever to get there. We were at Cinnabon when it happened. I remember smelling the cinnamon on my clothes and feeling sick, retching in the police car.

We couldn't find Dave. He was somewhere between Tacoma and Seattle in the days before cell phones. We kept calling, calling anyone we knew. Finally, Dave came in the door. I couldn't look at him. Couldn't bear to see those eyes. I just held onto the pacifier. And we waited. Finally, the doctor came in. I don't remember what he said. I saw his face and I knew. I remember feeling like a block of ice. I couldn't think, couldn't feel. We went into this room, and Dave held Kyle, combed his hair, sang to him. I watched. I held Kyle, but felt nothing. Nothing at all.

They took us to a room. A room with a phone. We called some people. The lady from the funeral home came to take Kyle's body. I remember asking her to be careful, be gentle with my baby.

Then it was time to go. We didn't want to walk out that door, knowing it meant that once we passed that threshold, that real life would start again.

We went home. Decided we shouldn't be alone. Dave wanted to sit in Kyle's room, I couldn't go there. Immediately we knew that this was going to be hard, that we were going to have to work to understand that while we were on the same journey, we were taking different steps. We had to work to make sure those steps were toward each other and not away.

We called Peter and Cheryl and they came to be with us. The band arrived late at night, breaking our hide-a-bed. My dad and sister arrived, Denise with one shoe and one pair of pants. My mom was stuck on the highway with a broken down car. Dave's parents came. Peter fixed the screen door, it was squeaking, it sounded like a baby's cry to me, so Peter fixed it.

There were a lot of people there, I remember Mark and Peter and Cheryl and Denise stayed for days. They never left. Our parents, too. They all stayed until we told them to go home.

I remember Mark and Denise and Peter cocooning with us for the few days after Kyle died, waiting with us for answers from the doctors (hypoplastic left heart syndrome), sitting with us, crying with us, just being there. We planned a funeral. We found a cemetery. We selected a gravesite, a headstone. We had the service in a beautiful chapel overlooking the sound, trees all around, Mark and Erik's voices surrounding us in songs, songs that had just been played at our weddings.

On the way home, it began to snow. People rushed back over the pass, hoping to beat the weather. We went home. The tension lifted, enormous relief in the air. And we had this huge snowball fight, (I have pics somewhere...will try to find them.) screaming and laughing, almost hysterical, verging on mania from days spent inside, grieving. The diaper service kid came to pick up the pail, a somber look on his face. He looked at us like we were lunatics, having expected to find us grief-stricken. We laughed at that, a laugh tinged with just a little hysteria, not sure yet how to "be" in this new world. How to find our place? How to find each other?

We did. We made it through, with a lot of help, a lot of support, and a lot of effort, too. Another of Dave's famous sayings:
"Love is not a feeling, it's a decision."
How right he is. It's the commitment that carries us through. The choice. The decision. The being there, even when it's easier not to.

Some say that time heals. I'm not sure that's true. I miss Kyle every day, just as much as I ever did. It hurts, just as much as it ever did. The death of a child leaves a scar like no other. On the psych diagnostic "v-codes" in the DSM-IV, losing a child is on par with being in a concentration camp. It's wrong, on that level, on that scale. It's out of order. There is no healing that. You learn to live with it, around it, in spite of it. Dave and I talked about how it always felt like someone was missing. Always. Counting heads, "One, two, three.....(silently, in my heart, 'four.')"

At least Kyle's not alone now.
I, on the other hand...

Tears. Chelle

4 years

2009-08-27T20:52:00.001-07:00

Official video here, with Matthew West's story.

(Written August 23, 2009)

Four years ago I awoke to Dave's last breath.
To questions that had no answers
in my little girl's eyes.

And I knew that my world was broken
beyond repair.
That the rift in my heart
would remain.

We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.
Marcel Proust

Grief is like that.
Sometimes, I can put it away.
In my pocket.
Out of sight.

But like a child,
it will not be ignored for long.
It squirms and pokes
and demands my focus.

And if I persist
in pretending it's gone,
it will rise up,
in a giant wave
and sweep away everything.

Everything but the
tears
sadness
loss
screams
of a wounded soul.

I find that the more it becomes
part of me,
the more I allow
experience
feel,

the more whole I become.
So I make friends with it.

This force that has
shaken me,
and my children.

It becomes part of
the way I think.
The way I talk.
The way I love.

I imagine that I can
run my fingers along the
scar in my heart.

Is it smaller?
Smoother?
Perhaps not.

Is it more solid?
Stronger?
I believe so.

This scar,
this hurt
has become part of what
holds me together.

Is that healing?
I don't know.

It is change.
I know that.

There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature ~ the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after the winter.
Rachel Carson

The rhythms of life.
Things come and go.
And come back again.

Four years ago,
Kenny was beginning high school.
Now he's graduated.

School years start.
Homework gets done.
Dinners get fixed.
Dishes get washed.

Football teams play.
Dancers glide.
Candles are blown out.

Leaves bud,
unfurl,
grow,
change their color,
dry and fall.

I watch the moon
steadily change
wax and wane.

I watch my children
steadily change
learning who they are
forging their own ways
becoming who they were meant to be.

And I know that I
change, too.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!
Anatole France

And so it is.
Each change,
joyful and celebrated,
brings a bit of melancholy, too.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
C.S. Lewis

And so we keep moving
changing
growing.
I wonder often
what Dave would think
of the changes we've made.

And how he might be now.
Were he here,
living these
changes with us.
What about him would
be different
from the memories we have,
from the person he was?

Each day, life will send you little windows of opportunity. Your destiny will ultimately be defined by how you respond to these windows of opportunity. Shrink from them and your life will be small, feel the fear and run to them anyway, and you life will be big. Life's just too short to play little.
Robin Sharma

Like my dad says,
Go big or go home.

I'll leave you with a new Dave story from a friend (I didn't ask her if I could post it, so I'll leave her out her name.) It's a story I never heard before.

I have been meaning to write you, I had been thinking so strongly of you and of this time of year. I don't know if I ever told you, but I went for a walk one evening when [my baby] was 5 days old (four years ago) on August 23rd. I ended up being harassed by some young guys who thought they were funny, and rang the doorbell of a lady who happened to be a single mom of three teenage boys. They were trying to eat dinner, but they boys were obviously crying. I tried to exit gracefully, and said I was sorry to bother her. She said it was okay, but that the boys lost someone very special that day - that would be Dave.

I never met your husband, and I never got the lady's name, who ended up being an angel and drove me home even though she was crying herself. I just remember thinking so strongly what an amazing soul he must have been to have those three big boys in tears.

And last night, I found the letter from Clinton Zahl, where he tells the story of the most important thing he learned in high school. He was leaning against the railing, outside the portables, watching people walk by. Dave joined him for a bit. Then said, "Clinton, what do you see?" And Clinton said, "People. Some I know, some I don't know. Some I wish I didn't know." And Dave said, "No Clinton, what you see are all children of God."

Thank you J and Clinton, for giving me those little bits of Dave to hold in my heart.

I think this song is about Dave.
And maybe, someday,
about me, too.

Matthew West - The Motions
From the album Something To Say

This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care If I break

At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

Chorus
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Zach's Senior Slide Show

2009-08-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

Can't believe he's a senior.
Dave would be so proud of Zach.
Zach is an amazing person.

Come watch him grow up!

And Steve, I promise a newsy update soon. There's a lot. Including a cougar encounter. And NOT the Wazzu kind!

Zach's Senior Pictures

Graduation 2009

2009-07-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

So...the biggest news - Kenny graduated!

It's too amazing!

He hugs just like his Dad.

He's been so lucky to have such great friends.

And family...

We had a great barbeque and party the next day to celebrate!

Thanks, Matt...for everything.

It's unbelievable to me that Dave is not here.
The summer that Dave was getting sicker, Kenny went to WaHi football camp in Moscow for the first time. We took a trip over there. Dave got to see Kenny on the field, in a WaHi jersey. By the time the season started in the fall, Dave was gone.

And I had the same feeling then that I did at graduation. How is it possible that these things are happening without him?

I wanted to feel proud. Proud of Kenny for all he's accomplished. Homecoming King, Most Inspirational Player (twice), the Lou Jacky Award, all his medals, his letters. And proud of our little family, for making it through. And I did. I really did.

But mostly I felt that reeling sense of unreality. Like it wasn't really happening. Like I should just shout, "Wait, wait, Dave's not here yet! Stop."

I remember after Kyle died...after Kenny was born. Every first was glorious, first smile, first tooth, first step. But it was also tinged with sadness...one more reminder of what was missing.

The very definition of bittersweet.
Bittersweet tears.

More to come:

Special Olympics (3 gold medals at Oregon Regionals!)
Walla Walla Bears Baseball
Kate dancing

But right now, Zach needs the computer to work on his online class.
Love you all....

Bear Schedule

2009-05-31T13:21:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 2 5:30 pm WWCC
Sunday, June 7 1:00 pm Selah
Tuesday, June 9 5:00 pm Hanford
Saturday, June 13 Pendleton Tournament
Sunday, June 14 Pendleton Tournament
Tuesday, June 16 5:30 pm Richland
June 18-21, Bandit Bash Tournament, Kennewick
Tuesday, June 23 5:30 pm, WWCC
June 25-28, Palouse Summer Series, Pullman
Tuesday, June 30 5:00 pm, Lewiston, ED
July 2-6, Twin Falls Cowboy Classic, Twin Falls, ID
Tuesday, July 7 4:00 pm, WWCC
July 9-12, Walla Walla Sweet Invitational, WWCC/Borleske/Murr
Tuesday, July 14 5:30 pm, WWCC
Thursday, July 16 5:30 pm, WWCC

Busy summer!

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T23:23:00.001-07:00

For all the soldiers who stayed on the front lines,
so my children and I can sleep in peace tonight,
thank you.
Freedom isn't free.
Someone else's son paid for me.

An American Soldier
by Toby Keith

I’m just tryin’ to be a father
Raise a daughter and a son
Be a lover to their mother
Everythin’ to everyone
Up and at ‘em bright and early
I’m all business in my suit
Yeah I’m dressed up for success
From my head down to my boots
I don’t do it for money
There’s bills I that I can’t pay
I don’t do it for the glory
I just do it anyway
Providing for our future’s
My responsibility
Yeah, I’m real good under pressure
Being all that I can be
And I can’t call in sick on Mondays
When the weekend’s been too strong
I just work straight through the holidays
And sometimes all night long
You can bet that I stand ready
When the wolf growls at the door
Hey I’m solid, hey I’m steady
Hey I’m true down to the core

And I will always do my duty
No matter what the price
I’ve counted up the cost
I know the sacrifice
Oh and I don’t want to die for you
But if dyin’s asked of me
I’ll bear that cross with honor
'Cause freedom don’t come free

I’m an American soldier,
an American
Beside my brothers and my sisters
I will proudly take a stand
When liberty’s in jeopardy
I will always do what’s right

I’m out here on the front lines
Sleep in peace tonight
American soldier,
I’m an American, soldier

An American Soldier
an American
Beside my brothers and my sisters
I will proudly take a stand
When liberty’s in jeopardy,
I will always do what’s right
I’m out here on the front lines
Sleep in peace tonight
American Soldier, I’m an American
An American, an American, Soldier.

Meyer Family Travails

2009-05-12T22:58:00.001-07:00

I know.
I know.
I'm sorry. I really am.

Update here.

Kenny seems to be stabilized on the medication he's on. We are STILL waiting to see a neurologist. I am very much not happy about this. There's a new neurologist in Walla Walla, but he's not approved for the medical coupon that Kenny has. Yes, the medical coupon that we never use because Kenny has insurance through my employer that's primary. And, yes, THAT one IS approved. Can they see him through that insurance? No. I should have just gone straight to Seattle. He hasn't had any further seizures since the first two.

He's getting ready for graduation. I can't believe he's graduating from high school. He's very excited. And we still have to get announcements out! You're all invited to an open house/bbq on Saturday, June 6, 2009 from noon-4 pm at our house!

Kenny ran track this spring for WaHi and for Special Olympics. He is a sprinter, running the 100, the 200, the 4x100 relay and long jump. He's had a lot of fun in school track and really likes hanging out with his friends. So far in SOWA, at regionals in Spokane, Kenny took 3 golds and 1 silver medal. He was pretty excited about that. I have to get a picture of him with his medals soon.

Kate: well, Kate managed the boys' baseball team at her school this spring, attending all practices and keeping statistics. She didn't enjoy it as much as she did last year. She did do a dance unit in PE and they had a guest instructor teach the unit. The teacher recognized that Kate was an experienced dancer and encouraged her to get back into it. So....

Wow. She's amazing. Beautiful, graceful. And just enough attitude to make it fun. We should all feel so young, beautiful and free!
Oh. And she and Sadee splatter painted her room.

Oh. And she's running for ASB President. Fly higher with Meyer. Vote for Meyer, she's on fire! Be part of something great, get out and vote for Kate. Wearing a shirt tomorrow that says on the front: Vote for Kaitlyn Meyer! On the back: She's got your back! We're having a lot of fun with the campaign.

And Zach. Well, baseball, baseball, baseball. Look:

He's had a great season. Hitting pretty well, catching GREAT! Opposing coaches are complimenting him after the game. He's been amazing to watch. Almost no balls ever get by him. He regularly throws base-stealer-attempters out at second. He's had a blast, even though the team has had a rough go this season. They did make districts, but it was tough.

It's hard for me to understand why he loves baseball so much. It's obviously trying to kill him.

Yesterday, they were doing a drill with a golf-ball-sized wiffle ball. It's heavy and dense. They stand about 6-7 feet away from someone and throw them the ball and their partner hits it. With a bat. Hard. Right back at you. Or, if your name is Zach-Catastrophe-Meyer, right back at your eye.

The ball collided with Zach's eyeball. Hard. Broke a blood vessel in his eye and the anterior chamber of his eye filled with blood and he lost all vision. There is a fancy medical term for this. I just call it very, very scary.

Took him to the eye docs. They couldn't see much inside his eye. It did appear to stop bleeding and begin to clear a little while we were there, and Zach was able to finally make out the wall where the eye chart was. Or at least the shadow of it.

Due to a risk of re-bleeding and to keep the blood pooling/clotting in the right place, he had to remain at a 45* incline all night and not move. I was awake all night. He was pretty traumatized and slept pretty well.

This morning, we went to see the eye surgeon. She said that he has 3 tears in the sphincter of his iris, which will heal, but are not reparable, so his left pupil will always be slightly enlarged, leading to light sensitivity. She could see the retina, which was still attached, but had swelling, so she couldn't rule out a tear. Re-evaluation of that will be Thursday. If it's torn, it will require surgery. Good news, Zach was seeing 20/40 this morning, so the fluid has cleared a lot. Bad news. Still a high risk of re-bleed, so he must remain in bed rest for 5 days. It will take a while for his body to re-absorb the blood, too.

So please pray. Prom is Saturday. I hope he'll be able to go. Meantime, Kailee and Maverick are taking good care of him.

And, file this next one under lessons learned from my dog. (And once again, I tell you, if you're not on Facebook, you're missing the best stuff!)

A few weeks ago, I woke up at 3:00 am to a horrific sound. Now, if you know me, you know that at 3:00 am, I hadn't been asleep very long. I couldn't figure out what the noise was. I went downstairs and the dogs were both milling around by the front door. It took me a minute to realize the sound was coming from them. Or one of them. I couldn't tell. It was a noise like nothing I'd ever heard. Well, it turns out that Duke had gotten into the garbage...a sneaky habit many chubby dogs have...and this time, he had gotten a tin can out of the garbage. A tin can with the lid still partially attached. He had stuck his tongue down inside the can and then tried to pull it back out. It was like those little finger handcuffs. You can go in, but not out. His tongue was wedged against the side of the can and he was running around with a Spaghetti-o's can on his face, making unearthly shrieking noises.

So, by this time, Kate was awake. I asked her to get Zach, thinking he was stronger and could hold Duke. Zach got up, bleary-eyed, looked in our direction and said, "Duke always gets in the garbage." And went back to bed. Okay. So much for that idea.

Kate, on the other hand. Real help there. She moved Koda away, because Koda was freaking out. Truthfully, so was I. The tongue was really stuck. I didn't know what to do. If I pushed the can lid down, it would cut off his tongue. If I pulled it up, same thing. Debating about whether you should cut your dog's tongue off with an upward or downward motion at 3 am is not my idea of a soothing, recreational activity.

So Kate brings me a butter knife. And Duke, trusting soul that he is, just lay there in the doorway and let me work on that can. Despite the fear and pain he must have been experiencing, he let me come in there with a knife. He trusted me completely. And he held still. And I bent the can lid with the blade of the knife, just enough so Duke's tongue was free.

He let me examine it. It was cut pretty badly, but he let me apply pressure with a cloth and soon it stopped bleeding and when I could really see it, it looked like it would heal okay without stitches. So we all went to bed. Whew.

The lesson I learned from my dog? Never eat garbage.

No. Not really.

It's about submission. I heard a song, that I'll try to put on here. "Why are you trying to earn grace?" "Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you."

Have you ever been fishing? And tried to take the hook out of a fish's mouth in order to throw it back? And the way it writhes and flails and panics and fights with everything in its scaly little body? Even when you're trying to help it? Kind of like they say a drowning person will do?

Well, that would be me.

I have such a clear picture of God standing there, saying, "I'll help you, just let me help you. Stop fighting me. Stop. You're just making it worse. Be still for just a minute."

And I can't do it. I'm not afraid of much. But I am scared of giving up control. Even to God. I like to be in charge. Going with the flow isn't exactly my strong suit. And considering the mess I've got, I'm not sure why I'm so convinced I know better.

Sigh.

I resolve to be more like Duke. To breathe a little more slowly. To trust those who really are trying to help me. To stop fighting. To move with the current instead of swimming upstream.

Well, I didn't say all the time. But maybe I'll try it. Once.

Oh. And, in honor of Duke, I'll eat more Spaghetti-o's.

And take the lid completely off the can this time.

Musella Foundation Video

2009-05-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

Musella Foundation

Kenny

2009-04-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

Kenny had a second seizure tonight.
After three months, I thought we were home free.
Thought the first one was a fluke.
Sigh.
This one was not as long. Only a few minutes.
And when he woke up, which took about 15 minutes, he was quite himself, not out of his mind like he was last time.
We transported him to the hospital in the Suburban with the ambulance following right behind us, just in case.
They gave him ativan and started him on keppra.
We'll see his doc this week and schedule an appointment with a neurologist...the closest one is in the Tricities, and they're booked out over two months.
Pray for Kenny.
Pray for me.
He's sleeping peacefully now.
Wish I could.

Love, Shelley

PS. Please pray for a local family. One son was a classmate of Kate's. He died on April 1. Then his father died April 2. According to coworkers at WWCC, both deaths were suicides, and this is what Kate was told at school as well, but there hasn't been any "official" confirmation of that. The mom worked with us for a number of years and the older sister is a classmate of Kenny's. There's another brother who is a freshman this year. My heart breaks for them. I cannot fathom what that family must be going through. Services are tomorrow. I hope that they feel the arms of this community around them and that God will hold them in the palm of His mighty hand.

Somehow, seizures seem like small potatoes now.

Kenny's Senior Presentation

2009-03-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

Kenny Senior Presentation

And you can see his portfolio HERE.
Wish him all kinds of luck tonight!

Kate starts dance again tonight. It's a good day here, except that the baseball game got moved to tomorrow....and I'm gonna be in Seattle. *sniff*

Zach is 17!

2009-03-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

Do you remember this?

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Could he be any more adorable? I think NOT! The one of him on the couch, he was only 2 weeks old. Not quite two weeks. He was so strong. And he just kept growing. And learned to like girls. Kailee in particular.

But he still likes toys. Legos in particular.

And his sibs LOVE him!

To say nothing of the cousins!

Have you ever been so loved you just couldn't stand it??

We should all be so lucky!
And baseball is here. So what has the kid got to frown about anyway? He's starting catcher on the varsity squad and is loving every minute of it. Even though it's snowed, hailed and been 25 degrees.

Oh...an other folks in the household have been up to a few things, too!
KENNY TOOK GOLD AT MISSION RIDGE!!!

I didn't get many pictures this year. Kate was in Ellensburg at a basketball tournament. Zach was at home. So I left Ellensburg and drove to Wenatchee to see Kenny on Saturday. The weather was terrible! It was snowing and blowing so hard at Mission Ridge they had to cancel the medal ceremony. The kids were all so sad. But the SeaGals were at the dance that night and they wrote all over Kenny's shirt, so that made up for it.

The girls did really well in Ellensburg. They saw some new teams and made it to the championship game. It was awesome.

There was also the cross-town rival girls basketball game. Kate vs. all her AAU teammates. It was a little odd to see her guarding girls she usually passes to. And Pioneer beat the undefeated Garrison! WHOO HOO! Oh, and Kate's taking up dance again, starting next week.

And me? Well, it's finals week, so there won't be anything too deep in this post. Just too tired to think too much. Or feel too much.

Pray for Dee and her girls, Kristi and Rhondi.
Love you all.

Love

2009-02-26T22:25:00.000-08:00

I always kind of look forward to February.
There's President's Day. Nice to have a day at home.
January is over. (Nuff said)
And of course, there's Valentine's Day.
I know, it's a Hallmark thing. Designed to make you spend money.
But I really like the idea of a day to tell people you love them.
Especially in the middle of February.
When it's cold and bleak.
And the fun of the holidays are over and spring seems so far away.

And my Valentine angel was there again this year.

I have no idea who sends me a rose every year.
The card always mentions Dave.
I have a few suspects in mind, but no-one will admit to being the one who sends it. It always makes me cry. And I always bring home that lovely, fragrant rose and put it next to the golden rose that Dave bought me the last Valentine's Day he was here. And I smile. And cry a little. And mostly I'm thankful for the great love I had. Life with Dave was certainly a love story. A great adventure. And although it ended far too soon, I know that I am one of the lucky ones. Many people have never been loved like that. I treasure the memory every day. Thanks to my Valentine friend for always remembering.

And February also brings, well, more basketball.
Lots more basketball.

The Walla Walla Shoot Out. Girls took second.

The Wenatchee tournament. Girls lost in the semifinals in overtime to take third.

Very impressive.

In the meantime,
it all just continues.
Laundry.
(Did I tell you I'm on laundry strike?)
Dishes.
Feeding dogs.
Feeding cats.
Feeding kids.

We got Zach's car fixed. Cost almost as much as buying the darn thing in the first place. But I'm glad to have another driver.

It SNOWED here today.
Didn't stick too much, but enough to make everything all white again.

I'm ready for spring.
Although we still have a broken window from LAST spring.
And the dogs are already getting out of the fence and running the neighborhood.

Baseball starts a week from Monday!

Red - Never Be The Same
From the album Innocence & Instinct

I know You
Who are You now
Look into my eyes
If You can't remember
Do You remember
I can see, I can still find
You're the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can't hear You now, yeah

Chorus:
I'll never be the same
I'm caught inside the memories
The promises
Our yesterdays
When I belonged to You
I just can't walk away
'Cause after loving You
I can never be the same

And how can I pretend I never knew You
Like it was all a dream, no
I know I'll never forget
The way I always felt with You beside me
And how You loved me then, yeah

You led me here
But then I watched You disappear
You left this emptiness inside
And I can't turn back time
No, stay
Nothing compares to You
Nothing compares to You
I can't let You go
Can't let You go
I can't let You...

Chorus:

I'll never be the same
I'm caught inside the memories
The promises
Our yesterdays
When I belonged to You
I just can't walk away
'Cause after loving You
I can never be the same
I can never be the same

Chorus:

I just can't walk away
No, I can't walk away, from You

AWOL again

2009-02-01T21:44:00.000-08:00

Hello all,
So sorry for the long absence. I really do have a good excuse. Not just Facebook & Pet Society. Although that's been part of the problem! lol Here's a pic of my pet, Tuffy:

Okay. Here's what happened. It snowed here. A ton. Kate had a friend over spending the night and she stayed for 4 days because there wasn't really any way to get her home. Which is probably a mile away. And I drive a Suburban with really good tires. I still wasn't going anywhere! It was a mess. We were really buried. It was kind of fun, though. Like hibernating almost. I had gone to Walmart and REALLY stocked up. So we had lots of food and just hung out doing nothing and staying warm. Some sledding, but mostly just snuggling in.

It also meant that my sister & her family and mom and dad couldn't get here for Christmas. We spent the day with Dave's family and it was wonderful. But it was really, really hard not to see my family. My kids thought it wasn't really Christmas without their cousins. They did come over for New Year's and we did a mini-Christmas then.

After Kenny's seizure, the docs decided we needed to do some tests (they all came out okay, btw). Well, the first one was a sleep-deprived EEG. That was the last time I blogged. I wrote in the blog, updated the look, uploaded and edited a million pictures. Staying up all night was pretty easy. It was for Kenny, too. He played x-box and then would go run outside in the snow with the dogs then come in and watch a movie. (That would put me to sleep, but he stays awake and engaged the whole time.) I fell asleep on the couch about 6:00 am and Kenny woke me because I was snoring! He fell asleep for a few minutes while I was in the shower at 7:00. But other than that, we did fine. Went to the hospital and they hooked him all up to the EEG machine. 20 some electrodes fastened to his head. I'm gonna try to post a pic. Went through the testing, got home about noon. Kenny dozed during the EEG, so he wasn't tired. I was surprisingly awake, too. Then that evening came. Thought we'd go to bed. Umm....no. We were up LATE. Actually, into early the next morning. I think it was that "too tired to fall asleep" that little ones get sometimes. Just could not slow down and fall asleep.

So, the snow dumped. We had no where to go and nothing to do. So we became nocturnal. We were up until at least 3:00 am every night and sleeping half the day away. Kate and Zach were all off-kilter, too, but not as bad as Kenny and I.

So, we started drifting toward a more normal schedule. And then the MRI. Went to the hospital at noon. Somewhere around 1:00, they sedated Kenny. He was groggy all evening after that. Well...until bedtime. Here we go again.

The first week back to school was BRUTAL! So I've not really been able to do much that took any brain power for quite some time.

The good news is that the tests were all okay. What does that mean? Well, it could mean that the seizure was just a fluke thing and is unlikely to happen again. That's what we're hoping for. So far, Kenny's been just fine since.

Zach's been run-down, coughing a lot for weeks it seems. He has baseball at 6:30 am every day, that's not helping. Ran a high fever the other day. Into the doc. Strep test negative. Three days later they call, strep test positive. Sheesh. He's on penicillin now. He's not playing basketball and I really miss it. He, however, does not. He's perfectly happy.

So, some of the other events. Kate's basketball team has been playing and playing well. They took the championship in Pendleton two weeks ago and came in second in the Richland tourney last week. They have this weekend off. She's been running like crazy with AAU practice and school practice. Playing on two teams at one time is tough! It even meant we kind of missed her birthday, since we were at a tournament. We finally celebrated last night. She had a bunch of her friends over to spend the night and we had cake and ice cream and pizza and lots of noise and giggles and makeup and texting boys. Very fun.

I now officially have three teenagers. Lucky me. And I do mean that. With no sarcasm. I am very blessed to have these three people in my life.

It's funny the things that make me miss Dave. Was standing at the soda machine the other day, with a crumpled old dollar bill. Trying to make it go in the machine. The machine kept spitting it back out at me. Over and over. Do any of you remember that Dave could make any machine take any dollar? He had the touch. He used to do this thing where he folded it and unfolded it just right, then held it curved at just the right angle and sent it into the machine with this grand flourish. And the machine would take it. Every time. Stood there looking at the Dr. Pepper I couldn't have, and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

And being at the dentist and actually liking it, because as she drilled my tooth, she was touching my face. The loneliness is unfathomable.

I have those little moments every day. Seems like they come often in the winter. December and January are really hard months. Here are some days:

December 23: the day of the infamous wreck and the discovery of the tumor
Christmas of course
December 28 Dave's birthday
December 29 Mindy's birthday (always celebrated w/Dave's - she still doesn't do cake - only cupcakes)
December 30 Doug's birthday
January 2 Kyle's birthday (he would be 20!!!)
January 6 Dave's first surgery
January 16 Kate's birthday
January 18 Dave's third surgery
January 27 Kyle's death
January 31 Kyle's funeral

Yeah...so I went underground a bit. Wallowed a little. Escaped to the utopia that is Pet Society. And made it through. The sun peeked out a little yesterday...felt a little like a metaphor for me...been encased in ice, brittle and cold, now thawing a little, looking forward to spring.

And for those of you without Facebook, I'm on there a lot, you can join and keep up with me there, too. (PETE THOMAS & CATHY BERES THIS MEANS YOU!) I'm going to post one of the responses to one of the little games that goes around there that I posted on FB today.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

[To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.]

1. I second-guess myself all the time.
2. Grief is my daily companion.
3. I hate it when people say, "You're so strong. I don't know how you do it." Sounds like shorthand for "Gee, Michelle. Your life sucks."
4. As a child, if I came home and couldn't immediately find my mom, I would panic. Not because I was afraid of being abandoned, but because I was afraid something might have happened to her when I wasn't there...I really believed that I could control the world.
5. My sister is my best friend.
6. Dave and I didn't plan on having any children.
7. I still am arrogant enough to believe that I know better than God. Even when I know how insane that is, I still actually think it.
8. I wonder what Kyle would look like, what kind of person he'd be, on a daily basis.
9. I hold grudges.
10. I HATE it when people complain about their husbands. I would give anything to have Dave here doing annoying little things.
11. I adore my children. Really, really, really. They are the best people I know.
12. I sometimes think that Duke is Dave reincarnated.
13. I worry about what people think way too much.
14. I like to sleep. And read. Those two things are the only hobbies I actually have.
15. I am impatient with people who think slower than I do. Actually, I'm impatient period.
16. My life would be meaningless without coffee.
17. I am not afraid of real emotions, no matter how strong.
18. I'm not an easy person to be in a relationship with.
19. There is so much I don't know. I'm amazed at the depth of my ignorance. Every time I learn something new, I discover that there is even more to learn...things I didn't even know I didn't know. And I want to learn it all.
20. Did I say I'm impatient? All the time. About everything. Except with children. Somehow there, I can slow down and watch and appreciate that gentle unfolding.
21. I wonder if Doug is with Dave.
22. I still have flashbacks. Kyle. Dave. Doug. Kenny.
23. Doing CPR on your child is the worst. I have done CPR on two of my four children.
24. My faith is strong enough to survive questioning, rage and sorrow.
25. I hate: brain tumors, autism and heart defects.
26. My life is still filled with joy. A broken heart is not always an empty heart. Mine is filled with wonderful happy moments.
27. Is my favorite number. My first job was at an ice cream place called 32 Flavors, but there were really only 27. I ate ice cream every day. And now I don't like ice cream. I do, however, like white cake. A lot.
28. I wish I had enough money to fly to California, Chicago and Columbus as often as I wanted to. (What is it with C's? Cath, Cheri...Pete, you gotta change your name. lol)
29. I'm an over-achiever so I had to do more than 25. I also talk a lot.
30. I am so grateful to all the people who have helped us along the way. Whitman students who worked with Kenny, our church, district staff, people who helped with meals, people who prayed for us....there are so many.
31. Time does not heal. Still, every day, in every way, Dave is a part of every breath I take. My soul aches without him in a way that words cannot adequately describe. Coping with the hole he left in my heart and my world does not get easier. It does get different. But not easier.

Resisting the urge to go back and edit this........

SNOW

2008-12-17T23:13:00.001-08:00

Okay. Enough already.
I hate snow.
Really.
HATE IT.

Not as much as brain tumors.
Or seizures.
Or cancer.

But I do hate it.
And we have almost a foot of it.

I mean it's beautiful and all.
Peaceful, quiet.
At night the moon glows on the snow and it's like day in my backyard.

We had sun in the middle of all this.
Six degrees, but sunny.
And the snow sparkled like diamond dust.

But it does some ugly things.
Like this:

Zach got in a fender bender Tuesday. He left campus for lunch. (I KNOW! I can't believe he did that with the roads so bad, either!) And was following Greg. Kailee was following Zach. A car spun out in front of Greg, who was able to stop in time. Zach, with no ABS, slid into the back of Greg. Kailee, rather than hit Zach, slid into a ditch and took out a fence. Everyone is okay, but as you can see, the Toyota is not. And we only carry liability on it. Sigh.

We drove back and forth to Richland last weekend as the snow started. We went to a basketball tournament for Kate's team. They played really well. It was exciting to see them. They got new uniforms and we had a great time. Kate was on fire. She had one game with 10 points and 6 rebounds!!! The basketball was great, but the driving was stressful. And I didn't get to do any of my Christmas shopping. I'm usually done in November but between Deb's mom and my DadBob, we didn't go. I've done NOTHING!!!!

Working backwards here...
Getting the tree,
decorating the house.
Always at Klicker's.
Always the first Saturday of December.
As you will see, this year, it was positively balmy that day.

The Klicker guy cuts our tree.
We agreed pretty quickly again this year.
Got some candy, paid for the tree.

And then...
LIGHTS!
ON THE HOUSE!

Yeah, I know. People do it all the time.
But not us.
One time in Tacoma, I talked Dave into climbing onto the roof to put all blue lights on our little house. As he was up there, this storm came in. Freezing rain and blowing wind. And, Dave, if you remember, didn't like heights in the first place. I think he only did it that time because I was pregnant with Kyle.

"Last time I do that, Shelley."
And it was.

I put lights on bushes sometimes.
And in the windows sometimes.
But never again on the house.

Until this year.
Look. My kids.
On the roof.
Dancing on the chimney for goodness sake!

And then the tree decorating.
I always miss Dave so much during this.
He liked to tell stories about the ornaments.

Like McIllvaigh Man. The ugly little ornament that his sixth graders gave him one year. I always hung it in the back. He always moved it to the front.

And Kyle's ornament. That Christmas we were waiting and waiting for Kyle to be born. It's amazing to be hugely pregnant at Christmas-time. Something magical and extra beautiful about it.

And the nail. The nail that symbolizes the real gift. Hidden deep within the tree.

And the first year we were together. We had a Christmas branch. Picked up from the gas station around the corner where the big trees were. Decorated with popcorn and cut-outs from wrapping paper because we had no ornaments.

And the Charlie Brown tree that Dave and Doug went up the mountain to cut down. (Illegally, I'm sure.) Sad, wimpy thing with drooping branches. They were so proud of themselves. Oh, how I miss both of them. Their birthdays are coming up. Dave on the 28th, Doug on the 30th. This time of year reminds me of them together in so many ways. That winter that I was pregnant with Kyle, and after Kyle died, Doug was with us, all the time. I remember the snow. And the silly hats Doug and Dave wore. And how they always reminded me of two puppies. Jumping and rolling on each other.

And Dave's voice. So resonant, so clear. Reading to us.
From the Grinch.
And the Christmas story in the Bible.

And the tangles of lights. Oh how he used to get mad about those lights. "Do you really need so many? Really?"

Christmas tree decorating goes smoothly and efficiently these days. There is still laughter. Still a few tears. And we faithfully wear our Santa hats. But without the Dave touch...well, it isn't the same. But then again, you've already heard that.

And right now...I finally get time to update the blog because Kenny and I are staying up all night. Yes. A-L-L N-I-G-H-T! Sleep deprived EEG in the morning.

They're calling for more snow tonight. So far, none.

Christmas Is All In The Heart lyrics - Steven Curtis Chapman lyrics

Christmas Is All In The Heart Video - Steven Curtis Chapman Music Videos

Music Videos by VideoCure

Hadley Fox

2008-12-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

Hadley Fox
Eight years old
Princess in every way
Died today....
Godspeed, Hadley

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

Seizure

2008-12-07T01:32:00.000-08:00

Yeah.
Nuff said.
Oh be quiet. If you were me, you'd think that, too.

Sorry for the delay in blogging. Been keeping up better with Facebook.
Oh, Pet Society...the bane of my existence. I'm obsessed. It's a truly sad story.

Now for the real news.

Kenny had a seizure. Not a small one. A big one. Got up in the morning, went to the bathroom, headed back to his room to get dressed and ended up convulsing in Kate's doorway.

Kate was brave and calm, she called 911 and answered all the questions, while I got Kenny into the "rescue position." He stopped breathing at the end of the seizure, and scared me by turning blue, but I was able to get him breathing again. Thanks, Tad Calwell and CPR.

Kyle flashbacks.
Dave flashbacks.

The ambulance came. Rocky Eastman was the first through the door. I had an immediate sense of relief. The paramedic uniform reminds me of my dad, makes me feel safe, like everything's going to be okay.

Wrong.

They took Kenny into the ambulance and he regained consciousness and FREAKED out. I won't describe it all, but let's say it was like nothing I'd ever seen before, it was the scariest 45 minutes of my life, and we had to sit in the driveway a long time, nearly an hour, before he calmed down enough to sit on the gurney so we could even drive to the hospital.

During this time, Kate and Zach are alone and quite traumatized. In shock, crying. It was awful.

Finally got to the hospital after we were there for half an hour or so, Kenny started to come around. Within an hour or so, he was pretty much back to himself. He sat still for a CT scan and thanks to Zach & Kate, they were able to place an IV.

All tests negative.
What does that mean? Well, there are no big tumors, significant bleeds, major scarring or hydrocephalus. Smaller things would show on an MRI, but not a CT scan.
Could he have another seizure?
Nobody knows.
They will do an MRI and an EEG over the next week or two. These tests may tell us if he is more likely to have another seizure or develop epilepsy. Or they may tell us nothing.
Some folks have a seizure as an isolated event. Sometimes in relation to an illness, head trauma or fever. Kenny's had none of those, but we're praying it's a one-shot-deal. That would be good. Only time will tell.

I remember this place.
It's called limbo.
i didn't like it here last time.
It's not any better this time.
No, I'm not getting used to it.

Kenny, on the other hand,
he's well over it.

"Go to bed, Mom!" he says,
when at 2:30 am I check on him
for the 20th time.
"I'm fine. Really, Mom.
I'm fine."

From your lips to God's ears, baby.
Straight to God's ears.

Love Shell

PS. Lots of hugs to Patti in NJ. Her dad passed away. My thoughts are with you and yours, Patti. And, yeah. Cancer sucks.
Guess what?
So do seizures.
Although so far, not quite as much.
Touch wood.

Inspiration!

2008-11-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
Wow...lots has happened since my last blog.
First, Kate had a tournament. The girls have improved so much. It was so much fun to watch them. They beat teams that they used to lost to or struggle against. We had a few blow-out victories, and one loss by 16 points to Ephrata Heat. We faced the Heat again for the championship and only lost that by 6 points to take second in the tournament. It was a lot of fun. Even if it was in Hermiston.

And last night was the football banquet. What an incredible night. The boys got their varsity letter awards and were recognized for a great season. Zach will be starting again as a senior on defense for sure and hopefully at running back on offense as well. Kenny and all the seniors had an emotional night. They are a tight group.

We moms decorated at Whitman and we all made posters showing for our senior. Kenny's had some great pictures that Brian Gaines took. And also some of the cutie-pie pics from when he was a blonde, curly-haired toddler and some from middle school football. Some from Special Olympics track and skiing. Homecoming King pics. Of course, I also put a few pictures of Dave on there. It turned out awesome. (If I do say so myself!) Brian Gaines made the seniors each a book that had all their pictures in it and copies of all the newspaper articles from the season. They made a video of each senior recalling special moment from the season. Brian also made 24X36 posters of each senior with an action shot. They were so cool!

And then the awards. Kenny and Drew Limberg were honored by their teammates, a tied vote for the DAVE MEYER MOST INSPIRATIONAL AWARD! Many tears last night.

A few pictures:

A Season Ends

2008-11-08T10:49:00.000-08:00

Before we get to football, look:

HOW CUTE IS SHE?????? And quite the spiker, too!

And then...
Wow...
Our boys went to Kennewick last night and faced undefeated Southridge.
They were amazing.

Last week, we went to play Moses Lake. Creamed them. It was AWESOME. Because, next to Richland, we hate Moses Lake the most.

Zach has moved up into a starting role, starting several weeks ago when we played Richland. He's stayed right there, playing almost every single defensive down. He's loving it. He was interviewed for the radio by Scott Reardon, who played basketball with Dave in high school. It was an awesome interview. Who knew? The kid is quite articulate! No mumbles, no "uuuhs" or "uuummms." Very cool moment. Here is the interview, along with some random pics from the season:

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Kenny has been losing his voice every week, cheering everyone on. He's been so excited by how well WaHi has done. This is the first time in 4 years we've been in the playoffs.

And last night. We barely lost. 14-16. The kids played their hearts out. I hugged a lot of sweaty, teary guys after the game. I was really proud of them. A tough moment, but what awesome kids they are. And we have probably 80% of our starters coming back next year. LOOK OUT!

Onto basketball. I'm in a bit of mourning. Zach's decided not to play this year, despite the coach tracking him down and putting the registration form right in his hand. I'll miss it. But I guess it's not about me, eh? Kate will be playing and that will be fun. Those girls are a lot of fun to watch. And we'll be traveling a lot, which will be easier with only one team to follow. And Kenny will be skiing this winter. So we'll still have lots of fun things to do.

The seasons are changing again.
The air is brisk and sometimes cold enough that you can see your breath.
The sky is deep black most nights, with stars that sparkle like ice.
Sometimes the sky is white at night, white with fog.
The leaves all fell in one day, whirling down from the sky, filling the streets.
In the evening, warm light glows from the windows on our street.
People snuggle in.
We made cocoa instead of milkshakes the other night.
In the morning, my iced coffee hurts my hand.
And our lovely grass in the back is slowly turning into mud.

These shifts in time,
shifts in perspective...
they are sweet.
My children grow and change,
every day brings something new.
Each day I see something new.

Which also makes these shifts
bitter.
One more moment in time.
One more step away from where we were in 2005.
Each photo is a memory,
frozen, preserved.

And each of those moments is a reminder.
One more thing he missed,
one more thing he couldn't be a part of.

And although I held two sobbing boys and
whispered in their ears that their Dad loves them
is proud of them,
it's still wrong.

Here are a few moments. More later.

Wordle

2008-10-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

Hey there.
First: thank you for all of the notes and cyberhugs and Dee and Laurie for giving me real hugs.
No, tonight was not any better. Last night: Kate. Tonight: Kenny.
Every day: Me.

How does Shelley console herself when all she can do is cry?
Play with wordle!
If you paste in a block of text or a website address, it assesses the words you use and makes a "word cloud" representative of that piece of writing.

Dave's CaringBridge Site created this one:

Here's the one from this blog:

You can change fonts and colors and layouts. It's kinda fun.
But it didn't make me smile.
Just cry some more.

I guess tomorrow it will be Zach.
And then maybe we can start breathing again.

And today, praying, and praying.
Air1 never fails me. Listen to this:

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Kate Kate Kate Kate Zach Zach Zach Zach Zach Zach Zach Zach Kenny Zach Kate Kenny Zach Kate Kenny Zach Kate Kenny Zach Kate Kenny Zach Kate Kenny Zach Kate Kenny Zach Kate Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave

The Facade Crumbles

2008-10-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

And I confront again the fact that I cannot do this.
I can't.
Never have.
Never will.
I am wholly inadequate in the face of this task.
I cannot navigate these waters.
I'm drowning.
So are my kids.

Kate especially.
Pray for Kate, please.

Underneath the happy smiles,
the terrific grades,
the school stuff,
the sports stuff,
all of that.

Underneath, it's miserable.
And I'm so angry.
It's so unfair that my children have to live through this.

Everything I can do is not nearly enough.
They need their father.
They need Dave.
They have me.
And no-one else.
I am
utterly
and completely
alone.

Even with each other,
so busy insulating ourselves
from the onslaught of grief
that we've created separate
little pods
of isolation
in our home.

I sometimes feel like the little Dutch boy.
Stopping small leaks.
Or Smokey the Bear.
Putting out small fires.
Patching up.
Putting back.
Propping up.
Band-Aids for hemorrhaging hearts.

It was bound to fail.

And now it's like I'm trying to stand in the gap.
But I'm so small.
And the tidal wave that's coming is huge-antic.

And I'm holding my breath.
Watching it crush my children.
And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Not a damn thing.

Myers-Briggs

2008-10-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

Do you wonder what I do when I should be doing other things?
Well, organizing my Virtual Bookshelf.

And checking to see if I'm still an INFJ.
Yep.
Still am.
Although, my J/P score gets closer all the time. Don't really think that's a good thing. Means I'm getting less organized. Or more spontaneous, maybe.

INFJ - "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1.5% of total population.

Free Jung Word Choice Test (similar to MBTI)
personality tests by similarminds.com

INFJ
Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organized and decisive in implementing their vision.

Now you know all about me. :-)

Go here to find out about yourself! Write in and tell me if yours is accurate. Mine's pretty accurate. Now I bet you're wondering, "If she's actually secretive and she blabs so much on her blog, what ISN'T she telling us, hmmmm????"

The more detailed version: CLICK HERE for the detailed version and links to the other 16 types.
Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)
The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

INFJ Relationships

INFJs are warm and affirming people who are usually also deep and complex. They're likely to seek out and promote relationships that are intense and meaningful. They tend to be perfectionists, and are always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. For the most part, this is a positive feature, but sometimes works against the INFJ if they fall into the habit of moving from relationship to relationship, always in search of a more perfect partner. In general, the INFJ is a deeply warm and caring person who is highly invested in the health of their close relationships, and puts forth a lot of effort to make them positive. They are valued by those close to them for these special qualities. They seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don't always find them.

INFJ Strengths

* Warm and affirming by nature
* Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship
* Sensitive and concerned for others' feelings
* Usually have good communication skills, especially written
* Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
* Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
* Good listeners
* Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)

INFJ Weaknesses

* Tendency to hold back part of themselves
* Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities
* Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
* Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
* Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

INFJs as Lovers

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

INFJs are warm, considerate partners who feel great depth of love for their partners. They enjoy showing this love, and want to receive affirmation back from their mates.

They are perfectionists, constantly striving to achieve the Perfect Relationship. This can sometimes be frustrating to their mates, who may feel put upon by the INFJs demanding perfectionism. However, it may also be greatly appreciated, because it indicates a sincere commitment to the relationship, and a depth of caring which is not usually present in other types.

Sexually, INFJs view intimacy as a nearly spiritual experience. They embrace the opportunity to bond heart and soul with their mates. As service-oriented individuals, it's very important to them that their mates are happy. Intimacy is an opportunity for the INFJ to selflessly give their love, and experience it in a tangible way.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, INFJ's natural partner is the ENTP, or the ENFP (Dave was an ENFP). INFJ's dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a personality type that is dominated by Extraverted Intuition. How did we arrive at this?

INFJs as Parents

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable." -- Kahlil Gibran

INFJs usually make warm and caring parents. Their goal is to help their children become adults who know the difference between right and wrong, and who are independent, growth-oriented individuals.

Along the path to that goal they are generally very warm and caring, and are likely to treat their children as individuals who have a voice in family decisions. They want their children to be able to think for themselves, and make the right decisions. They also can be quite demanding on their children, and may have very high expectations for their behavior. Although they are generally soft-spoken and gentle, they may become stubborn and sharp-tongued at times when their expectations aren't met, or when under a lot of stress.

INFJs take their parenting role with ultimate seriousness. They will make sacrifices for the sake of their children without a second thought, and without remorse. Passing on their values to their children is a serious priority in their lives. Children of INFJs remember their parents fondly as warm, patient, and inspirational.

INFJs as Friends

Although the INFJ is likely to put friends behind their God and their families in terms of importance, they do value their friendships. As idealists who have strong value systems, INFJs seek authenticity and depth in their close relationships, and especially value people who can see and appreciate the INFJ for who they are and what they stand for.

The INFJ is likely to spend a lot of time socialing with family members. If they are religious, they probably are social with members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types. They are usually extremely intuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt. They'll have no interest in being around these kinds of people.

All kinds of people are drawn towards the INFJ. They are usually quite popular, although they may be unaware of it themselves, because they don't place a lot of importance on it.

The INFJ is valued by their close friends for their warmth and consideration, their new and interesting ways of looking at things, and for their ability to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be. genuine article that they are.

Careers for INFJ Personality Types

Whether you're a young adult trying to find your place in the world, or a not-so-young adult trying to find out if you're moving along the right path, it's important to understand yourself and the personality traits which will impact your likeliness to succeed or fail at various careers. It's equally important to understand what is really important to you. When armed with an understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, and an awareness of what you truly value, you are in an excellent position to pick a career which you will find rewarding.

INFJs generally have the following traits:

* Intuitively understand people and situations
* Idealistic
* Highly principled
* Complex and deep
* Natural leaders
* Sensitive and compassionate towards people
* Service-oriented
* Future-oriented
* Value deep, authentic relationships
* Reserved about expressing their true selves
* Dislike dealing with details unless they enhance or promote their vision
* Constantly seeking meaning and purpose in everything
* Creative and visionary
* Intense and tightly-wound
* Can work logically and rationally - use their intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it

The INFJ is a special individual who needs more out of a career than a job. They need to feel as if everything they do in their lives is in sync with their strong value systems - with what they believe to be right. Accordingly, the INFJ should choose a career in which they're able to live their daily lives in accordance with their deeply-held principles, and which supports them in their life quest to be doing something meaningful. Since INFJs have such strong value systems, and persistent intuitive visions which lend them a sense of "knowing", they do best in positions in which they are leaders, rather than followers. Although they can happily follow individuals who are leading in a direction which the INFJ fully supports, they will very unhappy following in any other situation.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an INFJ. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the INFJ:

* Clergy / Religious Work
* Teachers
* Medical Doctors / Dentists
* Alternative Health Care Practitioners, i.e. Chiropractor, Reflexologist
* Psychologists
* Psychiatrists
* Counselors and Social Workers
* Musicians and Artists
* Photographers
* Child Care / Early Childhood Development

Some days...

2008-10-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

- Pillar Lyrics

...are harder than others.
Yesterday was hard.

The Blue Devils lost a tough one.
What can a mom say to a disappointed football player?
That's a dad's job.

Kate is almost done with volleyball. She starts basketball soon.
Dave would love to see Kate play now. He always said, "Kate will be my bball player!"

Fighting with SSA.
Fighting with DDD.
Decisions for Kenny's IEP.
Filling out the SIB-R.
Deciding about DVR.
Drowning in alphabet soup.
Alone.

Some days,
I feel proud.
Seeing the kids' grade reports.
Hearing how great their teachers think they are.
Seeing finished shop projects.
Watching games.
Seeing a full refrigerator,
a full gas tank,
squeaking out enough money to pay the bills,
mostly on time.

And I think,
Okay.
Okay.
I'm doing this.
Keep breathing,
keep breathing.

And some days,
the wave comes back.
Knocks me to the ground.
And I can't breathe.

Sometimes the wrongness of it all
just engulfs me.

In this week alone.

Milestone moments.
Choosing a senior picture for the yearbook.
Ordering cap and gown.
Court orders.
A big play.

And everyday moments.
Watching Zach make sure Kenny fastens his seat belt before he drives off.
Checking Kate's forehead for fever when she's sick.
Helping Kenny adjust football pads.
Hearing their ideas about the election.
Zach snuggling Maverick.
Kate figuring out algebra equations.
Kenny worrying about his friend joining the military.

How is it that Dave is not here?
Mostly I only touch the edges of that idea.
Mostly I only let myself think about that minute.
I think, "He's not here right now."
But sometimes the idea
"He's not ever here. Not ever again."
skitters across my mind,
and suffocates my heart,
my lungs seize up,
and my souls screams.

And in those moments,
it's as hard as it's ever been.
Harder.

People think the worst day was when Dave died.
There are two days even worse.

The day in February,
when he didn't say
"We'll beat it."
When my heart knew.

And the day,
in the winterscape after Dave died,
when I truly let myself know
that he wasn't coming back.

And sometimes that knowledge
is just too heavy to carry anymore.
And it crushes me to the ground.

So I go day by day.
Step by step.
Breath by breath.

Still breathing.
Still aching.

A few pics of Kenny's birthday:

And Drew L got hurt during the game against Hanford. He is a really incredible kid. So, the first game he couldn't play, Spencer H wore his number, just to let him know that he was still a huge part of the team. In last week's game, all the guys wore #32 stickers. These players are amazing.

And last, I'll leave you with a card that I found that Dave made for me Mother's Day 1994. I have many of these. They make me smile. And make me cry.

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See why I miss him so?
Sigh.
How in the world do I get used to being without him?

PS. For those of you that said they missed the letter to the editor, here it is:

WA-HI STUDENTS ARE AWESOME

This is my third letter to the editor. The first was about teenagers giving up their Friday afternoons so Kenny could play baseball when he was 8 years old. The second was during Kenny's sophomore (paper said freshman, but it was sophomore) year when his football teammates elected him "Most Inspirational."

And now, once again, the students of Wa-Hi have shown themselves to be caring kind and generous at heart, and I was to publicly acknowledge and praise them.

Why is this so special?

You see, Kenny battles autism every day. In spite of his struggles, he's a cheerful, firendly, goofy caring and incredibly brave guy. Often silly and always honest, he loves the Blue Devils. He adores his school and his friends.

It's awe-inspiring the way the students have embraced Kenny. In times when we often hear about kids who are "different" being excluded or hurt, here is Kenny, who cannot wait to get to school and football practice every day. We have been blessed.

And Friday night, Kenny was elected Homecoming King. I watched him with beautiful Queen Mia, face aglow, arm lifted to the sky, beaming with joy. Wa-Hi students knew how much this would mean to Kenny. It was a dream come true because his dad, the late Dave Meyer, was homecoming king in 1980. And now Kenny gets to wear that crown.

I can never adequately express how grateful I am to the students at Wa-Hi for their kindness. They restore my faith and my hope. They are the ones who will change our world for the better. In truth, they already have. Michelle Meyer

KING KENNY!

2008-10-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, homecoming. Wow...what a night! It was a good day to be a Meyer!

First of all, Zach got to play quite a bit. He looked good. He had a HUGE fumble recovery. It was awesome. I was too busy cheering and shouting to take a picture, so imagine him climbing out of the bottom of a huge pile of red and white jerseys and holding the ball aloft in that universal gesture of triumph! Just doesn't get any better than that.

Then...halftime. The band played, the dance team performed.
The rain was pouring down. Sheets of it. Kenny and Drew watched the football team head to the lockerroom. They walked around the track. This girl came running out of the stands and threw herself into Kenny's arms. I watched for a minute and then realized OH! it was Kate!

The very cool cars came around the corner. Kenny and Mia were in an 07 Mustang. (Mia, after a mad dash to the car after her dance team performance.) The couples got out of the cars and were lined up along the side of the field, holding their umbrellas. Each couple had a box in front of them.

The announcer said that 4 of the boxes had purple and red balloons in them, reflecting the theme of the Homecoming Dance - Moulin Rouge, but one box would have blue and white balloons for Blue Devil pride, and that would be your king and queen.

I held my breath. They fumbled with the box. Finally, it opened and BLUE and WHITE balloons floated out. Mia broke out into a huge smile. Kenny looked a little stunned. Then he saw Mia's face and his face flooded with joy. He held his arm aloft and beamed! They came and put the crowns on. We were all just screaming and yelling. It was an amazing moment.

Then the football team came out of the lockerroom and took the field. Zach saw the crown on Kenny's head and ran over to give him a huge bear hug. Kenny walked along the fence, hugging people, smiling, wearing his crown. I thought about Dave. How much he loved Homecoming. How much he loved the Blue Devils. How much he loved his boy. Blew him a little kiss.

Then the second half. Zach played well. Kenny got in the game.

WaHi won the game. That was the icing on the cake.

Mom, Dad, Deb and I had gone out to dinner before the game. After running about a billion teenagers around. Zach had JV practice and then had to get on the bus, everything was crazy-busy. But we managed to get the tuxedos. And get everyone where they needed to be.

So-after the game, huge celebration at the Meyer house. Well, actually, the Bond motorhome in the driveway of the Meyer house. The boys got food at 7-11 and the girls made a nest in the basement. We sat around and reminisced, talked about Dave and times past. It was good.

Then this morning. EEEEK! Pick up flowers, press tuxedos, all three kids get haircuts, clean the house, forget lunch, get crabby, remind self to sleep more often. Decide sleep is for the weak. Take a nap anyway. Wake up puffy-eyed. Send Kate to a soccer game and the corn maze. Holler at Zach because he STILL doesn't know what the plans are for dinner, when he has to be where and when or if I'll be able to take pictures of him and his date. He's so his dad. Truly.

Get an iced coffee from McDonalds. Ahhhh. Nirvana. Better.

Deep breath. Are you tired yet?

Get the boys dressed. Cry. Smile at them. Cry again.
They are so handsome. Their dad should be here to see this. Really.
Get a little mad. Cry some more.
Take some pictures.
Lots of pictures.

Watch them drive away.
Sigh.
Cry a little, mostly on the inside.
Think about the students at WaHi. How incredible, how awesome, they are. What a gift they have given to Kenny. Over and over again, they embrace him. They give me hope. They are going to change this world. They're already doing it. AND...they're throwing Kenny a surprise birthday party after the dance. Complete with a Seahawks cake. Because, in addition to being KING, today is his birthday! EIGHTEEN!

Dave and Kenny.
My Kings.
I have been blessed.

Homecoming Week

2008-10-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

Friday: We found out that Kenny had been nominated for Homecoming Court. Cool beans, eh? 10 guys and 10 girls get nominated. Pretty amazing. Did you know that Dave was homecoming king in 1980?

Friday night: Denise, Darren, Amy, Luke and Grandma & Grandpa join us in Richland for the WaHi game. Our first defeat. Zach eased in a bit on special teams after his sprained neck. That's his bum in the air - making a tackle.

Saturday: Then the entire crew went to WSU to see Jake and the football game. Cougs lost, too. Not a very good football weekend. It was great to see the family, though.

Monday: They had a big pep assembly. The announced the 5 guys and 5 girls who are on court. And guess what??? Kenny made it!! He is so over-the-top excited about it. Friends who work at WaHi called and texted and e-mailed to tell me how excited Kenny was. A couple of them were in tears. The kids at WaHi are amazingly good to Kenny. It's truly magical. I guess Kenny was so excited he ran down and rushed right past the girl who was supposed to give him his sash and escort him to the color guard. He figured it out, though. Here's a pic from the WaHi website.

Still Monday: And Kate had a volleyball game. They won their match. It was really cool to see these girls. Last year, they had trouble directing their hits, they couldn't serve over the net half the time and they did a lot of giggling. This year, it looks like real volleyball. Her basketball is starting up as well, so she's a busy girl. Algebra is her favorite class. Takes after Granpa Bob.

Tuesday: I worked late and Grana & Granpa took the kids to Buff Puff, which is a boy's volleyball game.
(Imagine pictures of a crowded noisy gym.)
Wednesday: Kate had another volleyball game. Lost this one. Then it was the powderpuff football game. Juniors vs. Seniors. A huge battle. Some of those girls ought to play on Friday night! They were tough. And my boys were...well...in skirts. Get a load of this:

Very spirited young men!

Today: Was Dress-Like-Your-Favorite-Teacher day. Zach and Kenny both were mini-Daves. They wore WW hats, black WWBD football polos, khaki shorts and DAVE buttons. So handsome. Didn't manage to get a picture. Might have to stage one later. Tee hee.

Tonight. Well, tonight, I had 30 or so young men descend on the house like a hoard of locusts! Senior parents take turns hosting Thursday night dinners. It was my turn. Thank goodness my mom and dad showed up yesterday or it would have been a disaster. We made a HUGE pot of chili...in my canning kettle!! And about 50 baked potatoes. We set up a baked potato bar and chips/salsa and a veggie tray. Wow. Can they eat. Dad thought we'd be eating chili for a week...I mean I used 8 pounds of hamburger! But no...maybe enough left for one meal. The kids were fabulous. Grateful and polite and cleaned up after themselves. They all went to see if they could all stuff themselves into Kenny's room. They made it. And we had birthday cake for Kenny. Albertson's had made this wonderful half-sheet cake, with a football field and his jersey on it and some footballs. It was so COOL. (Does saying cool all the time make me sound old?) And on the way out to the parking lot, it flipped off the cart and landed face down on the pavement. OH CRAP, NEVER MIND! (I forgot to tell you that story. It's a Jake thing. We were trying to get out of a parking lot at WSU and he'd say, "Go this way." And it would be a dead end. And Jake would say, "Oh crap, never mind." So it's a new saying at our house.)

Anyway...Albertson's made a complete new cake in time for the party. WOW! So, if you live in Walla Walla and need a cake...go to Albertson's. Tell 'em Kenny's mom sent you.

Tomorrow is the game, and we find out about King and Queen at halftime. Signing off, singing, "Oh I just can't wait to be King!"

More FOOTBALL

2008-09-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, first you should know that Zach is a very creative sort. He helped with the idea for Kenny's invitation for Kendra. But then, he had to find his own date. So, with the help of Denali, he asked Kirsten to the dance. Like this:

Well, thank goodness he wasn't wearing a tank top at the time and she said yes! So now it's onto dinner plans, flowers, and tuxedos. Sheesh.

Didn't bring my camera to the last game. Why? Because I'm stupid like that.

Okay, so here's the scene. Zach is in the stands because of his sprained neck. Kenny is on the sidelines. Cheering until he's hoarse. Walla Walla is beating Ike pretty soundly. So in the third quarter, Kenny goes in. Makes a decent block. Next play, mixes it up with the defender a bit and, ahem, does a bit of jersey grabbing, otherwise known as "holding." Kid gets mad and the next play, knocks Kenny on his little kiester. HARD. And Kenny sits up, then lays back down and just lays there. Everyone is watching, quiet. The trainer goes out. The coach goes out. (Later turns out he just got the wind knocked out of him.) Eventually Kenny sits up and then walks toward the sidelines. The crowd is doing the polite "we're-sure-glad-you're-okay" clap. Kenny looks right up in the stands, thrusts his arm up, pointing at the sky and throws his head back in a triumphant gesture. The crowd goes nuts. The student section is yelling, "Kenny!" and the drums are pounding. And then Zach runs down from the stands, vaults over the fence and gives Kenny this enormous bear hug. (I missed that part...but Karen and several others told me about it). What a moment. What a drama king. (Kenny, not Zach...)

And then Kenny found out he was nominated for homecoming court. Wow. It's been his week.

Kate's had two volleyball games. She's a starting player on the 7th grade varsity. They've won both matches. She's been really excited and enjoys playing a lot. In other news, she did fall in PE today and on the street when I came to pick her up.

We went last weekend to see Jake at WSU. What fun we all had. Even in the pouring rain. Took Jake out to dinner after the game and took the poor starving student to the grocery store. :-) Actually, he's not starving at all and is working steadily on the freshman 15. He looks great and we were overjoyed to see him.

It was Dave and my 22nd wedding anniversary Saturday. I neatly avoided it by driving to Pullman and back. More later.

Football

2008-09-19T10:18:00.001-07:00

Kenny's Senior Pictures

Homecoming Invitation

Hi all,
It's been an eventful time here at the Meyer household. Ummmm...well, when isn't it?
Football practice, volleyball practice, WWCC starts Monday, so I've been prepping.
Zach sprained his neck last week in practice, so he didn't get to play last week, and he doesn't get to play tonight. He also was sick last weekend, fever/sore throat. Poor kid. Drat. The first game in Hermiston was a lot of fun. Blue Devils won! And then they beat Ike last week.

The school year is off to a good start. Kate loves volleyball, and she and her friend Sadee have started their own blog. You can visit it here: Best Friends Blog. She's liking her classes. She's in Algebra this year as a 7th grader, and along with Explorers for 3 periods a day and Advanced Science, she's been pretty busy.

Zach decided to stay at WaHi and not do Running Start at WWCC. He's taking AP Calculus, AP Physics, AP History, Lit/Comp, Advanced Strength Training (PE), and third year Spanish. A pretty heavy load, but so far so good. Even with the math homework!

Kenny is a senior. He is loving that in a big way. He's taking Advanced Drama, Woodshop, English, Math, Advanced Strength Training (PE), and Computer Applications. It's a good fit for him.

Seems like there were a few anecdotes I planned to tell you all about....but darn if I can remember them. I'll leave you with some pics.

HEY!!! Do you like the new banner?? I was so proud of myself. I worked on it FOREVER! I'm no HTML wizard. But I figured out how to do the rounded corners and everything. Whoo hoo! I was up til 4 am...AGAIN. Will I never learn? I have a button on my Flair board at Facebook that says, "Sleep is for the weak." HA.

Quote of the day: "You're back in the laundry business!!" Sears Repair Guy

THE MEYER FAMILY LOVES FOOTBALL!

Matt Stroe is still coaching this year, thank goodness. He's working for the sheriff now and he and his beautiful wife, Liz, have a darling baby boy. Future football player, methinks.

And the Sumerlin family. Oh how we LOVE them!

We took Dave's friend Diana to lunch for her birthday. She was delighted to see the kids and quite dismayed that they are all taller than she is! You have to know Diana, but in her mind, she's TALL!

I think I have a version of this shot each year. It makes me cry. Makes me miss Dave. Makes me so very thankful that there are people like Matt, who carry the torch, pass the love and step in the gap.

Okay, I try not to cry every post. But I usually do. And here it goes again. While making Kenny's senior pic slideshow and going through old photos, I found a lot of things. Some I hadn't seen for a while, and some I'd never seen at all. A lot of stuff from Dave's school desk was in this closet. It's been just pushed back there. I'll share a few of them with you over the next few posts. Here's one of Dave's famous little yellow sticky notes. When his memory started to go, he used these little notes to help him remember. They were everywhere in our house. On the bathroom mirror, on the fridge, on the dash of his car, on his briefcase, on the closet, on his shoe, on his toothbrush. And occasionally on my stuff, too. This one was on the bathroom mirror one day after he left for work.

See why I love him so?

Homecoming Invitation

2008-09-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

Kenny's creative way of asking Kendra to the dance.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Team Meyer Membership

2008-09-13T02:57:00.000-07:00

It's fun and free!
If you follow this journey, we consider you a member of Team Meyer.
No dues.
No meetings.
No responsibilities at all.
How's that for a great club??

Just click on the sidebar to become a member. Upload your picture!
I think you do have to set up a blogger profile, but it's easy and free and you can check to keep your e-mail private.
I hope everyone will do it!

You can also find me on Facebook:

Senior Pictures

2008-09-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

I'm still adding to this and refining it. So if you saw an earlier version, without baby pics, you might want to watch again! Will be adding sports pics, sib pics and family pics as well as Dave/Kenny pics soon.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Rascal Flatts -- My Wish

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

Mark Harris -- Find Your Wings

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And if I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

Chorus:

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

Still Playing

2008-09-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

Hi out there...
still playing with the page.
Thanks for noticing the date typo, Patti.
Your button will go in the mail tomorrow.

Got a pic of the football team now across the bottom of the page. You can click it and go to the Blue Devil Football page. They have Kenny under the 2008 seniors. Although they list him at 5'11". Ha. I wish. 5'11" was a looong time ago!

I removed the slideshow because it just showed the same few pics over and over. I moved the flickr badge to the top, but it won't go all the way across, because the page has two columns. I might be able to figure out in html if I play with it some more. I liked on the old blog how it would show 10 across the top of the page. Of course, I like to look at my kids. Probably doesn't matter much to anyone else.

Or heck, here's an idea, maybe I should get off this computer and actually look at them in REAL life! :-)

Friday is the first varsity game. CAN'T WAIT!

Kenny had his senior pictures taken this morning. We got rained/thundered out twice, but finally got it done. I should get the disc tomorrow, and I will post some for you to see. Wow....senior pictures. SENIOR pictures. I can't believe my baby is a senior.

Organization

2008-09-01T18:12:00.001-07:00

Yeah...you're in the right place.

Fall always does it to me.
Maybe because I live in a world of teachers and students.
For me, fall is re-organization time.
Kind of a spring cleaning,
except in the autumn.

So, I've re-organized the blog. I hope you find it easier to use. There is a drop-down list of old posts, and I went through all of them and fixed the music on them. I wish there was a way for it to show the titles of the posts instead of the dates, but there isn't. Well, there is, but it makes this huge, weird list that's quite difficult to navigate. If I knew more HTML, I could probably fix it. Oh well.

I also organized all the music. Many people have asked about some of the songs I talk about, particularly from the CB site, since I often could just post the lyrics. So I included all the songs I posted here, plus all the ones I either posted or mentioned on CaringBridge. All of those can be found in the playlist at the bottom of this page. Lots of the songs can be hears on Air1 radio. There's a link in the sidebar. They have stations all over the country and you can also listen online.

There's a slideshow to the side, but it always starts with the most recent picture, which drives me crazy. Not sure I'll keep that one.

There's a strip of photos along the bottom...it should randomize for you, and give you a broad selection of Meyer pics.

Along the side, there are links to "our" schools, as well as autism info and brain tumor info.

And last but not least, there's a poll...tell me what you think of the new blog-home.

Okay, now...should I get to that pile of paperwork I need to file?
Or maybe get organized for my classes?
Or deep-clean my house?
Or the garage? (Oh so badly needed?)

Nah....I think I'll take a nap!

Cancer

2008-08-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Oh,
it's so hard.
By the time you read this, it will be August 31.
Lou Beres will have been gone for two years.
In March, Fred Schappert was gone for two years.

And little Hadley.
She's enterend a new phase.
No treatments, no fight,
just holding on,
and making memories.

Sometimes it's so overwhelming.
It seems to never end.
The victories are
sweet and celebrated,
but few.

And the losses,
they just keep coming.

Not only the deaths,
but all of the other things
that cancer
steals.

Watch this: and look for Hadley.
She's around 4:40.
Thank you to everyone who's gone to her site and left prayers there.
Look for the link in the sidebar.

Once upon a time,
I wrote on the CaringBridge site about cancer.
And that poem that
floats around the internet.

I think I believe it even more now
than I did then.

Cancer is a powerful adversary.
Pray.
Fight.
Donate.
Tell someone.
FIND A CURE.

April 26, 2006 (first part of post is about driving by the site of Dave's wreck...and playing the radio game.)

I think about that poem....
There are lots of versions, here is one:

Cancer is so limited.
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot destroy peace.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot suppress memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot invade the soul.
It cannot steal eternal life.
It cannot conquer the spirit.

Limited? It has changed my entire life. Every moment, from August 23, 2005 on. No...from December 23, 1996 on. Every moment. It reaches the depth of my soul and can taint even the happiest moments.

Can't shatter hope? Tell that to anyone who has had to call hospice, to come to that point of knowing that there is no more battle to wage, that the fight is over.

Can't corrode faith? Tell that to a mother who holds her child down for the thousandth needle stick. How can I not question faith in a God who is allowing my children to grow up without their father?

Peace? Cancer has caused so much strife, so much anguish, so much heartache. Peace is a small, still island in the midst of a hurricane, an island often completely under water. I remember watching footage on the tsunami right after Dave died, thinking that even the oceans were outraged, thinking that the wall of destruction mirrored my inner feelings. And later, feeling so horrified...my one anguish so pales in comparison to the complete and utter devastation experienced by so many, feeling so ashamed for being so wrapped up in my own grief that I couldn't even muster caring about anything else. One cancer wife told me that she had similar thoughts after 9/11...the irrational feeling that maybe the world would finally "get" what it is she was feeling.

Friendship...oh, some are like gold, aren't they? But even the best of us break down, fall short and aren't able to shoulder what we need to sometimes. I don't know a person who has gone through cancer or something similar who hasn't said, "Well, you find out who your real friends are..." We've all had the experience of losing a friend. And we say, maybe they weren't really all that great a friend to begin with. Not always. Like my dad has wisely said, "Some can and some just can't."

Memories? Tell that to Cathy, who sits with Lou, her memories unshared, having to break the news to him, fresh every day, that he has a brain tumor. For me, the memories are divided...my life is divided...before and after. And memories...cancer also gives us things we wish to forget...loved ones in pain, poisons pumped in their veins, radiation damage, surgery scars, loss of their bodies, bit by bit.

Courage...I've never been so scared in my life. I've lived in the shadow of fear for 9 years. I live in terror because, after the losses I have survived, there is still more I can lose, even now. There doesn't seem to be a quota, a place where one can say, "Well, I paid my dues. Not my turn. Go hit someone else up for it this time."

Yes, it can invade the soul, it can make you doubt everything you ever believed, even eternal life, and our loving Father. My spirit is weary. I look down the road and see no relief, no rest, no renewal.

On a good day, and yes, there are good days still, I can see that most of what I just wrote about has another side, that often the sting is temporary, the pain, the despair coming in waves, waves that will once again recede and allow the sun to shine through.

(And I know some of you sent me that poem, and in many ways, I do like it and draw strength from those ideals, so please don't be offended or hurt by my thoughts here...but I have to honestly wonder if whoever wrote it ever really looked at cancer and the damage it does.)

So I turn the radio channel again, as all this is drifting through my head, and the tears are running down my face, and I hear....

Testify to Love by Avalon
All the colors of the rainbow
All of voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation lives to testify
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
From the mountains to the valleys
From the rivers to the sea
Every hand that reaches out
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace
Every simple act of mercy
Every step to kingdom come
All the hope in every heart will speak what love has done

Faith, hope and love,
these three remain,
but the greatest of these is
LOVE.

And although Dave was each of those things, in every way, until his very last breath....he was
HOPE
FAITH
PEACE
FRIENDSHIP
MEMORIES
COURAGE
SPIRIT and SOUL, sure of ETERNAL LIFE
but
he was most of all,
LOVE

And in the end, it's what I still have. Love.
My hold on the others is tenuous at best, but love, this one I have, this one I believe, this one I hold. The one thing cancer cannot touch.

Back to 2008...
so, in honor of Dave,
do something to fight cancer.
Anything.
You can start by
going to Hadley's site.

Marking Time

2008-08-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

Three years...
on Saturday
we marked by visiting the rock.
36 deep red roses.
One blossom for each month,
each month we survive,
continue without Dave,
trying to live out loud,
like he did.

We didn't get to the rock until late. The boys had practice twice that day. Then we went to chinese food at the Golden Horse. They were doing karaoke in the bar. We got to hear "Against All Odds" originally by Phil Collins THREE times. Yikes.

And Sunday we marked another milestone, my birthday, although I kept reminding everyone that on Sunday I was still 44. Monday did indeed come, however, and now I really am 45. Not so very old. Not so very young, either!

On Monday, the kids made me dinner and bought me a Foreigner cd and got me an ice cream cake. They were so cute. Sneaking around, planning their surprises. They're good kids.

And it looks like we're going to keep Grumpy. As you can see, he and Zach have become quite attached. Grumpy is living up to his name. Zach fed him CHICKEN in the car on the way home from the beach, and now Grumpy wants people food all the time. He searches the house for Zach and whines at me when Zach leaves. He's quite an annoying little thing. I don't think I could give him to anyone, they'd probably kill him. Zach's thinking of re-naming him. Perhaps that will improve his disposition!

The kids are all settled in school already. Kate has Explorer Humanities and LA, advanced science, algebra, and PE. She started volleyball practice on the first day of school and is really enjoying it. Zach has AP History, AP Calculus, AP Physics, 3rd year Spanish, PE, and English. He explored doing Running Start at WWCC, but decided to stay on campus at WaHi. I think that will be a good choice for him. Kenny has drama, wood shop, PE, english, math and computer applications. He's thrilled to be back at school. He's a SENIOR! His senior pictures got rained out twice...trying again on the 6th.

All in all, a good start to the year. No trouble getting them out of bed, either. Oh...and Kenny and Zach are both 1-6 period, which means they can drive together! Whoo hooo!

I had brunch with Dee today. What an amazing time. We were there three hours and if felt like three minutes. We talked about the Shack and God and life. It was good for the soul. Some of our favorite quotes:

"That's because my love is a lot bigger than your stupidity." God talking to Mack, who is figuring out how clueless he really is, as evidenced by this one:
"I'm beginning to think I have no idea." I can definitely relate to this level of not knowing. It seems the more I learn, the more I discover there is to know.

And then there's this: "Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It is about letting go of another person's throat."

Wow.

Please continue to pray for Kristi. She's into the second 12 rounds of chemo. The news along the way has been good, but it's a battle with blood counts, nausea, and all the other lovely chemo side effects. So, please pray for short term comfort and long term results.

Our lovely little Hadley-bug Fox has been battling a brain tumor for over four years now. Her mom is an amazingly inspirational woman. Her site always makes me laugh and smile and cry, too. Hadley has reached a new phase of this journey. Please, please visit her site and pray and pray. And let Angela know you're praying.

And lastly, thanks to all of those folks who sent out their remembrances on Dave's day...
Sue C WW, Patti H NJ, Mark N Seattle, Erik H Seattle, Pete T OH, Dee W WW, Lisa D Bellingham, Denise Kelso, Mom Long Beach, Missy WW, Ginger & Dale, WW, Mindy & Bob WW, Bob & Judy WW, Kathy IA, lesleegp TN, Kathie F WW, Cheri CA, Cathy IL, Sherri H Dayton, Lisa B WW, Judy P WW, Bryan S TX, Tami S WW, Lora W WW, Alex F WW, The Moaut Crew, OR. Gosh, I hope I didn't miss anyone! Thank you all for the notes, e-mails, cards, flowers, and especially your prayers. We continue to need those daily!! We are so blessed to have so many people that care and remember.

Three years

2008-08-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

The beauty of the world has
two edges, one of laughter,
one of anguish, cutting the
heart asunder.
--Virginia Woolf

I feel often that my world is in two pieces.
The joy and the sorrow.
The before and the after.
The part you see and the part I hide.

It has been three years without Dave.
I have nothing new to say about that.
It is as it always was.

A stretch of lonely forever that has no end.
And at the same time,
the blink of an eye.

Dreams die hard and you hold them in your hands long after they've turned to dust.
-- Dragonheart.

And so I do.
Hold those dreams.
Hold this dust.

Coming home from Chicago,
I couldn't wait to get home.

To tell Dave all about it.
There was a part of me
that really believed,
really believed,
that he would be there,
waiting for us,
ready to hear the stories,
smiling, laughing.

And the emptiness of our house
turned my heart to dust.
I was so sure,
so sure.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.--Kahlil Gibran

I sit under a weeping willow often.
The long fronds sweep the ground,
creating a new world
under its umbrella.
I sit in my Haroldson chair.

I think.
I do weep.
I delight.

But mostly I argue.
Still.

The Shack touched me deeply,
because the grieving father
who was so angry with God
is so like me.

I don't doubt His presence.
Or His love.
Or His power.
Or even His wisdom
most of the time.

I just think He was wrong.
Wrong.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
-- Unknown.

And that would be me.
I still think I know better.

There is an image in The Shack
of the man
working with
the Holy Spirit
clearing
this ugly,
overgrown place
in a garden.
The work is hard.
The thorns sting.
He bleeds.

And of course,
it turns out,
he's helping the
Holy Spirit
prepare his own heart.

To love again,
to forgive.

I think about that a lot.

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.”--Jim Rohn

And I know that by living with
this sadness,
I am also able to keep
the joy,
the joy that was Dave.
I can no longer have
one without
the other.

I have said many times that grief
is but a mirror,
a reflection.
The depth of our grief
is matched by the
depth of our love.

But we should not be afraid to love,
or to love again,
just because we might
experience pain,
pain again.

“One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.”--Erich Fromm

And that's what Dave brought.
His absolute joy
at being alive,
his complete fearlessness
in love,
his way of giving his all,
every time.

Whether he was saying hello
or goodbye,
giving a hug
or telling a story.
In love and in life,
Dave
was 100%
all the time.
Unafraid.

Unafraid of the future,
of being hurt,
of being a fool.

Knowing that regret
over inaction
out of fear,
is hardest to live with,
he would choose to
risk
and give
the big hug,
the shining smile,
the heartfelt song.

God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars.--Elbert Hubbard.

And sometimes,
we get hurt.
Or rejected.
Or feel foolish.

And even when we don't,
we risk loss and
heartbreak.

We are scarred
in this life.

I am scarred.

But I live.
And love.

And explore the journey
that is this life,
what is left to me,
for now.

Remembering
I am not home yet.
There is much for me to do here.

Not Home Yet lyrics

To all the travelers
Pilgrims longing for a home
From one who walks with you
On the journey called life's road
It is a long and winding road
From one who's seen the view
And dreams of staying on the mountain high
And one one who's cried like you
Wanting to much just to lay down and die
I offer this, we must remember this
We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet
Not home yet
So close your eyes with me
And hear the Father saying "welcome home"
Let us find the strength
In all His promises to carry on
He said, "I go prepare a place for you"
So let us not forget
We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet
Not home yet
I know there'll be a moment
I know there'll be a place
Where we will see our Saviour
And full in His embrace
So let us not grow weary
Or too content to stay
Cause we are not home yet
We are not home yet
Not home yet
So let us journey on
We are not home yet
We are not home yet
So keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet

Not home yet

Not Home Yet lyrics - Steven Curtis Chapman lyrics

Not Home Yet Video - Steven Curtis Chapman Music Videos

Music Videos by VideoCure

End of Summer

2008-08-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

August has slipped away, like it does every year. One day, it's the glorious height of summer. The next, fall is nipping in the air, sliding in when I wasn't looking.

First, there was Peach Basket Classic. Always an amazing event. The whole town turns out to watch 3:3 basketball on the streets. It's usually blistering hot, little heatwaves rising from the blacktop. Zach, Andrew, Seth and Matthew have some crazy team name with even crazier plays. And Kate and friends play a little ball, too. The Haroldsons come and we eat too much junk and sit around the fire at night, relishing the relief from the day's sun, toasting marshmallows golden-brown.

This year was different. The weather was mild, the mornings cool and the afternoons warm, but not unbearable. The Haroldsons were in Norway, so we missed them. Matthew was out of town, so Zach didn't have a team. Kate played on a team with Jaiden, Kiana and Sam. They were great. They even beat the team made up of 4 Sagebrush starters...Sagebrush being an elite Tricities team that regularly beat up on us all winter long. The girls ended up third in their division. We cheered them on as well as Team USA, made up of Zach's buds: Will, Big Zach, Quinn and Tim. They had this huge cheering section, a mascot with a flag and Seth even shaved the team name into his hair. Despite missing many traditions, we still had a great time.

Peach Basket usually brings on a sense of sadness for me. In that, this year was no different. Cathy wrote a bit about this feeling on her blog...the heat of summer...the hot day dissolving into the cool night, the sense of slipping away. For me, it's the feel of the sun on your back, the scent of the onions on the cooling evening air, the sound of sprinklers in the distance, the sight of the dazzling stars sprinkled over the blackest of skies...and that sense of wanting to freeze time, to hold onto that last bit of summer, especially that year it meant that a life was fading away, along with the heat. That autumn would bring a new and merciless crispness, a new school year, a new life to face. Deb and I talked about how the end of summer, the beginning of fall brings into sharp relief the changes that happen around us gradually...suddenly we cannot ignore them. Jake is in college. Kenny is a senior. There is no holding on to yesterday. Whether you notice or not, tomorrow comes.

After Peach, Zach got his wisdom teeth out. Thank goodness he was a better patient than Kenny. No axe-murder scenes this time. They gave him some anti-nausea meds and some anti-inflammatory meds, which seemed to help. The two black and white kittens were his nursemaids. One of them was on him all the time. And they both would rub their tiny heads on his jaw, like they knew where he was hurting. So sweet.

Then we ran around doing the usual before school stuff: sport registration, physical exams, eye exams, dental exams, haircuts. We got Snickers spayed - no more kittens. Put an ad in the paper and found homes for all the kittens except Grumpy. ANYONE KNOW ANYONE WHO WANTS A VERY CUTE BLACK AND WHITE BOY KITTEN????? PLEASE?????

We took a trip to the beach. 8 hours of driving with 3 children, 2 dogs and 2 kittens. I know. Don't even say it. And we got a late start because Kate's window fell out. Don't ask about that, either. Anyway, once we got there, we had a lot of fun. Clam digging. Zach trying oyster shooters. Kate almost wrecking grandpa's tractor. Denise's crew came and Jake brought about 15 friends. They played volleyball and ping pong. Hilarious. The dogs ran around like crazy. Zach's quite the volleyball player. One of Jake friend's, after being blocked for about the 6th time said, "Duke, you're a problem!" (Z was wearing a Duke t-shirt, hence the nickname.) Kate held her own with all those high-schoolers...well, college kids now, I guess! We got our fill of campfires and marshmallows there, since we didn't get to do that for Peach weekend.

Football started yesterday. The boys have daily doubles. Practice from 8 am til noon and again from 3:00 til 6:00 pm. They're pretty tired and sore!

Denise and crew stopped by and spent the night on their way to Pullman. Jake starts WSU on Monday. Whoo hoo! We're all going there for a football game in September. Can't wait to see him and his dorm room. What an exciting time for him. Brings back so many memories. I need to call Peter B in NY...he and I always talk about what a magical time college was. I told Jake to get ready...that he would meet over the next few months, people who would turn out to be incredibly important people in his life...as close as you can get to family.

The kids start school on Tuesday. I don't have to go back until September 22. Gives me time to straighten out the IRS mess I seem to have unwittingly gotten myself into. As well as figure out all Kenny's social security issues before he turns 18. Sometimes I feel only steps ahead of a steamroller.

Gonna sign off for now. More to come Saturday.

Three years.
How has it been three years?
How has it only been three years?

Chicago

2008-07-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

Hello all,
I know some of you have been waiting for an update. We're so exhausted! I'll put up something tonight and try to add to it over the next few days.

Okay....
First of all, I didn't want to take my good camera and chance anything happening to it, so I took our handycam, which somehow broke along the way and ruined the disc. So the first half of the vacation pictures are lost, including pics of Cathy and the kids and pics from the Cubs game. Drat. And Cathy and I completely forgot to take a picture of the two of us together. That's the bad news. Well, that and when we got back, Macky was completely covered in burrs and it took hours to cut them all out and now he has a mowhawk. Which could be funny except for the fact that he also had burrs all over his bottom which held the poopy next to his skin which is all infected and he has a fever. Vet tomorrow. Poor kitty. You should have seen Zach and I giving him a bath after shaving out all the burrs. What a sight. Although once he got in the tub he did relax for quite a bit, I think it must have felt better.

Now...the trip.

We left and stayed the night in a creepy little hotel in Federal Way. We had dinner at Red Lobster and I had the steak. Hmmm...it was lousy...what was I thinking? Anyway, we got to bed about 11:00 pm. We had to be at the airport at 5:00 am. Kate couldn't sleep...too excited I think. She kept complaining about Zach's iPod being too loud. She has hypersonic hearing. So, we wake up at 3:30 am. Well, maybe not WAKE up, but GET up.

So we head to the airport. I have had a self-revelation this summer. I HATE TO BE LOST! HATE HATE HATE HATE it. Really. I hate it. I think I have a little control freak in me. I think I told you about Eugene. Well, every time I go to SeaTac, I get the turn right but some darn passenger in the car convinces me to take the wrong exit. And since they were always right in Eugene, I did it again. And we end up driving along the parkway instead of on it. With me shrieking, "We need to be up there! HOW do we get up THERE???"

We made it ok.

Got to Denver and had a L-O-N-G layover. And food. And coffee. Gosh, was I glad to get back to Washington where they know how to make coffee!!!

On the way to Chicago, we flew Frontier Airlines, a Denver-based company. It was cool. They have in-flight tv and movies. The kids got a kick out of that. And every plane has a different northwest animal on the wingtips and tail. For that leg, we had Chloe the deer fawn.

We get to Chicago, and because of the time difference, it's 5:00 pm there. We take a crazy shuttle to downtown. I kept saying, "Gosh, I'm glad I don't have to drive." And the kids kept saying, "We know, Mom, we know." "We're glad, too." Much eye rolling.

And we check into our hotel. It's 40 stories high. With a pool on the rooftop. It's completely amazing. There's a zebra chair in our room. And crazy carpet that makes you dizzy in the hall. And bellmen. And we're on the same block as Nieman Marcus and The Disney Store and across the street from NikeTown. We walk around with our heads spinning around and around. So much to look at. So very, very different from Walla Walla. We were right downtown, and while there may be some ghetto-ish areas of Chicago, we saw a very clean and friendly city.

We called Cathy and met her at this little pizza place, one of only two she said she'd recommend, for some Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. Wow! Everyone loved that. And it was so good to see Cathy. She brought Damon, her younger son and it was great to meet him. He's very good-looking-kind of edgy. I think he has Lou's eyes. He's going to school in New York City and loves it. He's very artistic and creative and studying film...I can't remember exactly what aspect. He said he loves it in NY and can't wait to get back there, something always going on. Which made me kind of laugh, because Chicago seemed so huge to us, but was a bit dull for him.

Then we walked down to Navy Pier for some fireworks. On a Wednesday. People everywhere. The weather was perfect. It was in the 80's most of our visit. A couple of days it got warmer, but mostly it was wonderful.

Thursday we shopped. We found a mall in the Water Tower Building that was 8 stories high and had a glass elevator. On the top floor, you could look all the way down.

We walked all over the Magnificent Mile and ended up eating dinner at ESPN Zone, which was really cool. We also went to the Observatory at the John Hancock Building...which is where Cathy lives.

Cathy's house is the big black building with the two white spires on top.
The Observatory is on the 94th floor and Cathy lives on the 58th. Kate was amazed. She said, "Cathy lives in a tourist attraction!" Her building is amazing...the views are unbelievable. You can see the lake, the Navy Pier, the Sears Tower, the skyline...Kathy is right, it's so beautiful. And her front porch has not only gelato, but a Cheesecake Factory and a Jamba Juice and a nail salon and upstairs where only tenants can go is a pool and a weight room and a grocery store. I was just in awe! I wish we hadn't lost all those pictures! Here is Cathy's front porch.

Friday we went on the El to a Cubs game.

(Thanks for this pic and the one of us by the pizza place, Cath!)
Cathy got us seats 10 rows behind the home team dugout. Right between home plate and third base. We could almost reach out and touch the players. It was so cool. The boys were so excited. Kate was not feeling terribly well and was worried we'd miss her Vidal Sasoon appointment, so she didn't have as much fun. We took the train back and Kate made her appointment. Her hair looks so cute, but I just keep thinking that it's going to grow out like any $20 haircut, even though it cost 5 times as much!!!

After that we walked to the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner and had a waiter with a really big mowhawk. That was really a lot of fun. Then we went to Cathy's house and swam there, and Cathy and I got to visit a little bit. After swimming, Cathy and Kate put on a little song and dance show for the rest of us. They were hilarious. Like BFFs. Kate wants to come to college in Chicago and live with Cathy!

Saturday we did a little more shopping in the morning and Pete and his crew arrived a little after noon. Okay, for those of you who don't know exactly who this Pete from Ohio is....he found my blog last November. His wife died of a brain tumor in September. He and Lori are about my age, but their kids are younger, two boys, 8 and 5 and a girl 3. Anyway, we started talking in November, and Kate has fallen in love with Pete's little girl. So, since he's in Ohio, not very far from Chicago, he and his crew decided to veer through Chicago on their way home from their vacation.

Wow, are we glad they did. I was amazed at how incredibly well the kids got along. Kenny and N were deep in conversation most of the time. Zach gave G piggy-back rides and participated in cannon-ball contests. Kate and E were great buddies. We went to the Children's Museum and spent the day digging for fossils, inventing hammers to wake up teddy bears, testing flying machines and sculpting clay heads.

We walked to the Rain Forest Cafe for dinner and then spent the evening by the pool.

It was a great time. Crazy and chaotic sometimes...the RF Cafe was loud...we were by a waterfall, and N got elbowed by Kate in the eye and the gyroscope we got him also bonked him in the head. But other than that, once the kids were warmed up, it was an amazing time. Pete and I got a little time to talk while the kids were swimming. We were on the top of a 40 story building, the night sky above and the incredible skyline all around. It was a peaceful time, contemplative, even with splashing from cannonballs nearby. It reminded me of times in our backyard, around the campfire.

I told him about the book I read on the plane, "The Shack." Bonnie sent it to me...and Bon, I can't thank you enough. I cried all the way from Denver to Chicago. It's a story about a man who suffers a great loss, finds himself engulfed the "the great blackness" and gets a chance to ask God why. I won't tell you any more. You have to go get this book. It will make you cry, make you think.

In the morning, Pete called and said, "If you were a bear in a Children's Museum, something would be falling on your head right now." And so we woke up smiling and went to the corner bakery for breafast. The time flew by. G took off his shoes and declared he wasn't going to go home. When Pete gently reminded him that he had to go back to work, G insisted, "We have enough money already!" I think we all kind of felt like G. None of us was ready for the vacation to end.

After Pete's clan left, we took the trolley to the aquarium. A trolley through the part of town that had a bike race going on! But we got to stop right by the Sears Tower. And the aquarium...it was huge! And beautiful. The planetarium was beautiful, too, but we didn't have time to go there. We also went by Soldier Field. Later, we took a water taxi back to Navy Pier, which was a ton of fun. Zach made a video of it. I'll have to see if I can upload it.

Back to the hotel for a late night swim. Off to the grocery store for breakfast foods....the room service food was less than desirable...and in the morning it was time to pack and get back on a death-defying shuttle and onto another airplane. Our first plane was Hank the Bobcat and our last plane was Spike, the porcupine. Some of you will appreciate the Spike...Dave had a little finger puppet named Spike in his orange VW bug. Lots of Spike stories out there.

At the airport in SeaTac, had trouble with our parking ticket, were tired and grouchy, but still, we noticed some of the things we had missed already...the air was fresh, clean, clear. You could smell the ocean. The coffee was good. And the stars....a million stars. So we headed to Walla Walla, where there are even more than a million. Got home about 2:00 am, which was really 4:00 am on Chicago time.

All in all, we're home, broke, exhausted and happy. Happy we went, but also happy to be home.

Chicago, here we come!

2008-07-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

Things continue to be eventful around here.
Or at least, I continue to travel from event to event!

After Eugene, the boys travelled to Missoula, Montana, where they rolled over everyone and came home the undefeated champs. And this trip, they stayed in a motel. And took the team bus. Much better, eh?

Then they went to Wenatchee and Kennewick, oh and Lewiston, too.

And Kate went to the Eastern Oregon University for four days for basketball camp.

Then she and some friends competed in the 3-on-3 tournament in Hermiston, OR.

Then the Bruins had a home double-header. They won both of those games, but missed going to districts by one game. Drat.

And now we are headed to Chicago! Whoo hoo! I'm ready for a vacation. Although, I'm not looking forward to driving for 6 hours tomorrow and getting up at 4 am to get to SeaTac for a 6 am flight.

I'm sure I'll have lots of pictures to share when we get back. I'm going to see Cathy, the city mouse, and hopefully her boys, and Pete from Ohio and his kiddos. Doesn't look like Cheri and Olivia can make it this time. :-(

Keep praying for Kristi. She has the most amazing positive attitude. And her mom, Dee...pray for her, too. Dee is such an incredible, supportive person. She's been there for me for years, and she's always there for her daughters and their kids. I pray every day for God to give her strength and peace and to show me some way to give back a little to her.

Love to you all. Shelley

Home Run!

2008-07-10T07:51:00.000-07:00

Well, the Eugene tournament was quite an adventure. Eugene is in a far away land. At least if felt that way. Lots of driving.

The team camped during the tournament because the Olympic Track trials are being held in Eugene and the hotels are booked solid. The campground was about 30 miles from the stadium, more driving.

The team has a bus, but they share it with the Bears, who were in Seattle. So the team drove in two Suburbans. Ummm...14 players, 3 coaches, camping gear for 4 days. You do the math...however you add it, the answer is...WON'T FIT! So Zach and assorted gear rode with us. I hadn't planned on leaving as early as the team, but there you go.

Had noticed a tack in my tire, decided not to mess with it and watch my air pressure. Thank goodness for those monitoring systems.

Finally, finally got to the campsite. Have you ever watched 16 year old kids pitch tents? It's pretty funny. Reminds me of when they rake the fields. One or two kids are working, the rest are standing around, leaning on their rakes, appearing to "supervise." Same thing at the campground.

Oh....and we make the 45 minute trek to the ball field and ooops. Zach forgot his contacts. So I miss the first game and pick up his contacts. Sheesh.

And Eugene? Well, it's a maze of one-way streets and, being directionally challenged, I could NOT figure out where our hotel was in relationship to the stadium. I could kind of get from here to there, but knew I was taking the long way 'round. So one of the first days, I'm lost (again) and Kate is telling me to go one way. So I do, but it's not familiar and I'm frustrated, and so she tells me how to fix it and I think I do, but we're still not in the right place and so, being the mom-of-the-year type that I am, I yell at her. "I can't believe I listened to you. You don't even drive. And now we're lost! I don't know where the heck we are or how to get where we need to be." And Kate gets quiet for a few minutes and finally says, "You're on the right road, but going the wrong way. The hotel is WEST." And of course, it turns out she was right all along. I spend the rest of the way to the hotel apologizing. Needless to say, Kate was navigator for the rest of the trip. She got us back and forth...campground, hotel, hospital, ballpark.

The games went pretty well, the kids made it to the semi-finals, losing 3-1 to a team they had earlier lost to 12-0. So it was a good showing. Beautiful weather, amazing stadium...it was great.

And watching Zach. Wow. He's the very picture of his dad. As a catcher, he often goes up to the mound to talk to the pitcher. I asked him once, what do you say to them? Well, it depends. Sometimes I tell them how to adjust, what pitch to throw. Sometimes I encourage them, tell them they can do it. Sometimes they just need a minute to get their head together, so I tell them a joke. He always leans in, looking right at them. When he heads back to the dish, he almost always leaves with a pat on their shoulder or a swat to their butt. He's the first one out of the dugout to congratulate a good play or to encourage after a strike-out. Dave had the gift of always being in the moment with people, making them feel important, like they really mattered. I see that growing in Zach. I watched in awe, as he connected with his teammates, seeming to know just what they needed, encouraging and appreciating them. Many have shared with me how, when they talked with Dave, how he made you feel as if you were the only thing that mattered at that moment, that you didn't have to be anything but what you were, that he really cared. That kind of love doesn't die.

All was good, except one of our pitchers got sick. Poor kid. He's okay, but we spend from 8:00 pm til 1:30 am with him at the hospital. With Kenny and Kate in the waiting room for those 5 hours. Can you imagine??

On the 4th of July, we drove an hour to a little beach town called Florence. We wandered the pier and poked in all the little shops, had fudge and ice cream and caramel corn and stopped a little sidewalk cafe for pizza. It was cold there, so we bought souvenier sweatshirts. Then watched the fireworks by the water.

After it was all over, we drove home, tire pressure still good. Met Denise in Portland and picked up Luke and Amy. They're staying with us while Denise, Darren and Jake go to Orientation at WSU.

The dogs had a fabulous time at the kennel while we were gone. The kennel has put in a dog park and a dog pool. You can see the pool here. They spoil the dogs rotten. Duke actually knows where we're going when we make the turn off the highway to get to the kennel, and he gets so excited. He's been going there since he was just a pup, and his friend, Roxy, is often there at the same time. And the staff there are so great. They are always happy to see the dogs, Duke in particular.

We've been to the pool every day. Luke lost a tooth. Kate's getting ready to leave for basketball camp. She's also competing in two 3-on-3 tournaments this summer. Kenny's been doing BDAD every day (Blue Devil Athletic Development-strength and agility training for all sports). We had a home double-header and Zach hit a HOME RUN! He's only had a few out-of-the-park HR's. This one was at WWCC's field. It was really exciting. They didn't mention it in the UB write-up, and didn't even give him credit in the stats, only for a hit. But he still knows he smacked that ball right over the fence!

Zach and the team left for Missoula, Montana today. They should be back Monday. Wish them luck!

The kittens are getting so big. They are adorable. And funny. And running all over the place. We have Freeway, who is quite observant and curious, but a little shy and really attached to her mama.

We have Butterball, who is the most adventurous and has the sweetest face.

The Thing is a little brute, really strong and sometimes aggressive.

Then there is Grumpy (who is not, by the way, grumpy at all) who loves the dogs and tries to follow them everywhere and also loves Zach and is often found sleeping on Zach's chest.

And, Sparky, my favorite, named for the tiny spot of white on the tip of her tail, she is a snuggler. She really likes people and will roll on her back and purr whenever you pet her or pick her up.

Juno is doing fine, she's a good mama. The babies are roly-poly and happy.

Duke loves the babies. He will go right in the middle of them and lay down and they'll climb all over him. It makes him so happy. He often puts his giant nose right in the box to watch them sleep. Koda is still not sure what to think of them.

All in all, life's good.

Then, there are moments. Pretty much every day. When it sneaks back. The grief, the loss, the anguish. It chokes me, squeezing the breath from my throat, its weight square on my chest.

Yesterday it was driving back from Wal-Mart. Along the road that used to join with the highway, there are these huge-antic cement things, set along the end of the road to block cars from going that way. They are set close together, but not touching.

I drove by, and saw those and had several random thoughts. Among them was: "If you were walking together, two people couldn't go through that gap at the same time, it's too small." Which brought back a flood of memories of Dave. He liked to walk holding hands. He'd often hum or sing the Beatles tune, "I wanna hold your hand." And when we came to a barrier where we had to separate, he'd shout out, "Peanut butter!" as we dropped hands, and I was supposed to shout, "Jelly!" as we re-joined. Silly little game. He never got tired of it. Salt! Pepper! Peaches! Cream! Bert! Ernie! Dave! Shell! And he'd put that happy little hop in his step, big smile on his face.

On the "little things that make me ridiculously happy" front: I discovered that the "Furminator" that we bought to de-fuzz the dogs actually takes the fur off my couches!!! WOW! I've had hairy couches for 3 years now, vacuuming didn't work, tape didn't work, but the Furminator is AMAZING!

Here's hoping you have those moments today...the ones that remind you how precious "your people" are, how fleeting yout time. And the ones that bring you a bright spot of pure joy in the small things. These moments, woven together...they make a life.

PS. When I got home I had the oil changed and they said I had nails in TWO tires. Turns out I had to put all new tires on the Suburban. YOUCH!

PPS. Thanks to those of you that comment...Patti NJ, Kathy IA, Kathy CA, Sue, Pete OH, Sherri, lesleegp TN, Kathie, Cindy VA, my bestest love and brother of the heart PETER NY/NJ (who can't figure out the comments, but calls on the phone, like he did this weekend...man, it was more than great to hear his voice), Sonja & Canute Seattle, and of course, my two C's...Cathy & Cheri, and my "help is on the way" Deb --- OH, almost forgot: and THE MOUAT CLAN, OR!! You guys keep me going, probably a lot more than you even realize. You keep me grounded, connected and somewhat sane. I know I'd be lost without you. And I love you for reaching out, holding me up and caring about what happens in this crazy life of mine. Not having Dave here to share those ups and downs is harder than I can describe, but you, each in your own way, make it bearable. I love you guys!

Tournament

2008-07-02T23:08:00.001-07:00

Whew!
Last weekend we had a tournament. We worked hard. And I don't mean just the boys. We had gate admissions, scoreboard and concessions to run. There were 16 teams at three different fields. Yikes. I slept all day Monday!

The boys did great. They made it to the semi-finals, but then had 6 of their players take off to basketball camp, so in that last game, they had players in really weird places. Like....Zach was playing first base. Yeah. They had 4 errors the first inning and by the second inning were behind 8-0. But they battled back and the game ended with them losing 10-14. I was proud of them.

So, the kittens are getting big. Gotta get some pictures of them soon. Poor little Snickers is ready to be done. And I think she eats her weight in food every day! The babies are adorable, though.

Tomorrow morning we're off to Eugene for a tournament. At least this time I don't have to run any concessions!

Wish us luck. Lots of baseball photos on the flicr site. I learned how to get my camera to take those continuous shots, so I went a little overboard at our last game. 300+ pictures of one game. Oh well, uploading is free.

Summer is just flying by.....

Is it just me, or....

2008-06-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

Music Video:LIFE IS A HIGHWAY (by Rascal Flatts)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

...do these things happen to other people, too?

Okay. We travel to Kelso for Jake's graduation. It was an amazing event. Jake is such a great kid. Seems like just the other day, Denise was coming through the airport, 5 month old Jake in her arms, and me with a huge Kenny tummy. Then Darren went to Saudi Arabia and Denise and Jake were stateside. We spent a lot of time together. Kenny and Jake were best buddies with practically interchangable mommies. They both loved to blow kisses onto my big Zach tummy. Denise would say that Zach was going to come out spotted and bruised from all the love he got even before he was born.

Jake's a lot bigger now. But his eyes are still as blue and he can still make me laugh out loud. Especially during late night card games at the beach. I haven't been yelled at by my mother in years, but it happened more than once at the beach. I blame it on Jake. He started it.

He used to come to Walla Walla every summer to go to football camp with Dave and the boys. Dave and I used to just count the days 'til he'd get there. We couldn't wait to have Jake for a week. And he loved staying at our house, too. Once, after a long day of football, he and Zach were laying in front of the tv, eating chips & dip. Jalapeno & cheddar dip. And he smiled at me and said, "Aunt Shell, I love coming here because you always have this dip for me. My mom will never buy it." (Denise has a healthier cupboard than I do!) So after that, I usually put a can of the cheese dip in with Jake's Christmas and birthday presents as a joke. So we got him a fridge for his WSU (GO COUGS!) dorm room...and...ahem...several cans of cheese dip!

We also got to see Luke play in a baseball tournament, so I wasn't jonesing too badly. They were so cute. And Luke played some catcher, too. Way cool. They took 3rd out of 13 teams. Awesome!

And on Sunday we headed home. Sigh of relief, right? Oh...wait. I forgot to tell you. We brought our pregnant cat (Snickers, AKA Juno, AKA BabyMama) with us. I DON'T KNOW WHY I TELL YOU, I JUST DID, OKAY?????

So she goes into labor. Somewhere around The Dalles. Yeah. That's about 3 hours away from home.

And as we get to Arlington, it's apparent this is the real deal and we're going to have a kitten in the back seat of a suburban.

So Kate promptly FREAKS OUT. No, really. She did.

And Zach's saying, "Ahh, Mom, I think I should drive."

And Kenny's in the front seat. Headphones firmly in place. iPod turned up all the way. "Don't even look at me!" written all over that face.

Juno, by the way, is pretty calm. We've got a box for her, so she's sitting in there purring and rubbing on Zach.

Then the bloody show.

So, Kate FREAKS OUT. Kenny turns up his volume. I talk to Zach. It'll be okay. Just stay with her. Comfort her, tell her she's doing a good job.

"Mom, maybe I should drive."

So after a little bit, I call Nurse Neese. She suggests we pull over until the first baby is born.

Zach says, "Is it supposed to look like a superball with a stripe?"

HUH?

"Well, their heads are pretty small," I tell him.

"Not THIS small," Zach replies.

Kate FREAKS OUT. "What's wrong with its head?????"

So I take Denise's advice and pull over into some desolate truck stop outside Boardman. And I check the cat. And well, it's a TAIL.

So, I freak out. Not capital letters...yet. Denise googles it. "No, it's okay, 40% of all kittens are breech. It will be fine."

And our tiny Juno has a contraction and I take one look and I just know, that superball kitten is NEVER coming out of there. So I Freak Out. (Just a few capital letters.) Denise says, "It's okay unless it's been stuck for 10 minutes, then you'll have to pull on it." Seems like it's been a year. So the next contraction I gently pull on the tail. Nothing. Nada.

So, it's getting dark and we can't see. So I go into the minit-mart and buy a flashlight. Because the one I so cleverly, with fore-sight, put in our SUV a year ago has dead batteries and minit-marts in god-forsaken truck stops apparently don't sell batteries alone.

And I don't want to be out here in the dark with a laboring cat any more. So I decide Zach should drive.

And I FREAK OUT! All caps this time. I don't know why. He's an excellent driver. Better than me at this point, I'm certain. But I have this mini-panic attack and start doing this funny breathing thing, like I'M the one in labor. "I can't do this, Zach. I can't do this. I don't know why, I just can't."

So Zach. He pulls the car over, gets in the back seat and somehow manages to get me, Kate and the cat breathing calmly.

I drive. And pop. Out comes the kitten. A calico like her mom. Promply christened "Freeway" for the place of her debut. And BabyMama knew just what to do. Cleaned the baby up, got it breathing, and other things that shall go unmentioned due to some folks' delicate sensibilities. Go visit a farm, for Lord's sake!

Took the baby a while to latch on and nurse. Maybe because of the speeding, swerving driver. Yeah...Zach should have driven.

We made it home before the next one was born. I was up until 4:00 am. Five altogether. 1 calico, 2 black and white and 2 orange. Whew! Juno and company are doing well, 48 hours later. And Duke LOVES the babies. Koda, of course, is afraid of them.

So.....how was YOUR weekend?
And, by the way, do you need a cat? I think you do. Really. I think you do.

So, Monday morning comes shining loudly through my window. 7 am: time to get ready for FOOTBALL!!!
Yeah... 8am to 8pm. Football!
Watched some scrimmages on Tuesday. Zach had an interception and 2 td's. It was a fabulous outing and it was so fun to see them on the field again.

Baseball tonight. Zach's exhausted and sick and has a hurt left knee and a hurt right ankle. Had a HORRIBLE game. Insists on going to football in the morning. This week just might kill us all.

Keep praying for Kristi...I hear the hair has made its exit, but that means the chemo is working and Kristi feels that the tumor is noticeably smaller. YEAH!!!

Patti...how's all in NJ?

Bruins

2008-06-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

More BASEBALL! (Click on the word.) :-)

Track and More Baseball

2008-06-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's what's going on at the Meyer house.
Baby Mama or Juno (previously known as Snickers) is getting huge as a house. Those babies are rolling around in there like little whirlybirds. Poor little kitty.

Duke is getting fat, too. Sympathy weight gain? I know Dave gained 15 pounds every time I was pregnant. I also know that he didn't KEEP 5 of those pounds every time like I did! Grrr.

Koda, on the other hand, is skinny as a rail.
Smokey, he has another family. We see him rarely.
And Macky, well, Macky is a BALLOON with fur.

Kate is tall and beautiful and has the messiest room in the world. No. I mean it. The world. The whole world. The door barely opens and I'm terrified of what's growing in there. She decided to dismantle her room in hopes of getting a new artsy paint job and a bigger bed. Well, just like her mother, she went a little wild, tore it all apart and then got distracted by something else. And so the wreckage remains. My camera battery is dead or I'd post a picture. Truly, you would not believe it. I don't worry about it too much. She just has to figure out her own laundry situation, because I am not, repeat NOT, going in there to retrieve anything. Even lost cats. Or brothers.

Zach is playing baseball. I know. You heard something about that before. Get ready to hear it again. It's going to be a baseball summer, and if you aren't a fan, well, hopefully some funny stuff will happen while we're watching baseball and I'll post about that! You can read about his latest game here: Bruins Baseball

And Kenny, well, Kenny has been amazing. We went to the Oregon Regional Special Olympics track meet. Kenny took three gold medals. It was a lot of fun. He ran the 100, the 200 and the 4 X 100 relay. The most astounding thing: Kenny runs the third leg of the relay. His team was dead last when Kenny took the handoff. Then he really poured it on. He stretched out those long legs and RAN. By the time he handed off to the anchor person, their team was in FIRST! It was a lot of fun. The lighting of the torch is always inspiring. The folks from the calvary gave out the medals. And the kids. They all cheer each other on. It really is an amazing thing. If you've never been to a Special Olympics event, go. GO! It's hard to explain.

Football is going on, too. Back to cleats and helmets and shoulder pads. And sweat. Lots of sweat.

No wait, that's rain. Torrential downpour. Isn't this June?

Only 8 more days of school. WOW! I've got a lot more than 8 days worth of work to get done.

AND....I have the sweetest kids in the world. I don't know if you can read this, but I went to put something on the grocery list and found this:

Kate wrote: "I Love You, Mom" on one pad. Then Zach wrote: "Yeah, me too!" on the other. Wow. How many moms get love notes from their teenagers? I'm blessed. I wonder if note-writing is genetic? Dave was a note writer.

Kenny's not a note writer much. Mostly when he's mad. Doesn't seem to hurt him at all as evidenced by the following picture. Kenny always does seem to be talking to the prettiest girls in the room.

But he still makes time for Mom!

Grana and Grandpa came to cheer. And keep Kate cool and happy.

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LOOK AT THIS KID FLY! Number two isn't even in the frame!

Number ONE!

When you're winning, you even like your kid sister!

Blue Mountain Stampeders!

Zach catching. I know...again. I like it. You'll see it again.

Throwing. Again.

But this one is new. He got to run his bases! For those of you that aren't so much into baseball, most of the time, catchers don't get to run their own bases. In order to save time and to also save wear & tear on their legs, they usually put in a courtesy runner so the catcher can go gear up. The last few games, Zach's got to run. Whoo hoo! Here he is on second. Intense, watching, ready.

But apparently, even that can get boring...here he is on third.

Praying for Patti's family.
Praying for Kristi, traveling back & forth to Seattle weekly for chemo.
Love you all.

Memorial Day

2008-05-27T23:12:00.000-07:00

It always rains on Memorial Day weekend. You see, I grew up on the west side. (Yep, Pete, even more west than this!) And it rains most of the time. But always, always on camping weekends. My sister and I learned to play pinnochle in the rain over many Memorial Day & Labor Day weekends...in leaky tents with soggy cards. Lanterns hissing, fires sputtering, skin pruny. Somehow, those were still the best of times.

Although, then, I didn't know about baseball. Ahhh...baseball. The Bruins had their first outing. Saturday, the sun shone brightly and the boys won one, lost one. We all got sunburned. On Sunday, just like on the coast, we were rained out. Then Monday, the sun was out again. It's been the oddest spring.

After the game Monday, we did some shopping. Got Zach a new bat. Man...how can a cylinder of metal cost so darn much???

And we all got haircuts, ready for summer. Here's mine:

I'm having a little trouble with the straight part. As you know, I'm a rocker chick from the 80's. I like hairspray. And I have this insane urge to blowdry it upside down and add some fluff. Kate follows me with a straightening iron. I mean really. A straightening iron?? What's any self-respecting Bon Jovi or Def Leppard groupie doing with a STRAIGHTENING iron?? I guess I'll get used to it.

Sigh. Kate got her eyebrows waxed along with her haircut. She looked like she had warpaint on because she had these neon pink stripes of skin above and below her brows. It was kinda funny. But she was really brave. It might seem weird, but I have seen so many girls tweeze their brows into oblivion, that I told her when she entered middle school that someday she might decide that she wanted to do something different with her eyebrows and to PLEASE not do it herself, that I would take her to a professional. Kenny thought it was a hilarious process. Especially the faces Kate made.

Kenny looks pretty handsome, too! He likes to get it short when the weather is hot. Zach's is short, too, but you can't see in his pics cause of the helmets.

We got to come home on Saturday and celebrate Bob's birthday and see Nana Edith and Aunt Diana. It was good to see them. We'll get to see them later this summer when we travel to Lewiston for baseball.

In just a few weeks we go to Kelso for Jake's graduation. Wow. It seems only a short time ago that I was in the airport, with a huge Kenny-tummy, waiting for Denise to deboard the plane, anxious to meet 5-month-old Jakob. You have to go to the flickr site and see pics of him in his tux. Wow.

"Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’
I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow
Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’"

And it does. It keeps on turning. Sometimes so fast, it makes my head spin. And some days, I want to hide from it. It rained on Sunday and I hid in my bed. Slept away most of the day. It felt good.

But...not for too long.

Soon it was time to get up, face the day, do what needed to be done, move forward.

Breathe.
Step.
Breathe.
Step.

And somewhere in there....
smile.

Laugh, even.
Yes, laugh.

And shout.
And cheer.

And get ready for the next go-round of that big wheel in the sky.

Summer Nights

2008-05-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

Have I told you about summer evenings in Walla Walla?
Did I tell you about the first night I was in Walla Walla with Dave, sipping icy Coronas on his parents deck, staring at a million stars dusted over a black velvet sky, the air beginning to cool, the heat still drifting up from the pavement, the wood of the deck railing still warm to the touch, the smell of the onion fields, the rhythmic ch-ch-ch of the irrigation sprinklers...and Dave...leaning back in his chair, eyes closed, a smile on his face, his cap turned backwards, his boots propped up on the chair..."It doesn't get any better than this, Shelley. It just doesn't."

As in so many things, he was right. Completely right. There isn't anything better. And I don't mean just the Walla Walla part. (Although that one evening is the single reason Dave could convince me to move here.) There is something so deeply satisfying about that feeling, when you've put in a long, hard day, working or driving or whatever, out in the hot sun, and then, when the sun goes down, feeling the coolness of the night begin to cover the day, feeling the ache across your shoulders and the iciness of a cold drink, beads of water rolling over your fingers, and seeing the one you love most, nearby, content, relaxed, happy to just be together.

I imagine that is happening in more places than Walla Walla. In Chicago and Auburn and Kelso and Long Beach and Puyallup and Seattle and New York.

Tonight, I stood in our driveway, an ache in my back from mowing the lawn, my legs stinging with a million little scratches from laying bark, my hands throbbing from wielding a shovel. I breathed deeply, feeling the tinge of cool in the still-warm air and saw a full moon, shadowy light filling our yard. It felt good. Felt good to work hard when it's 93 degrees outside. Felt good to accomplish something. And it felt good to breathe deeply of that Walla Walla summer night air.

Clink! This one's for you, Dave.

Summer's On Its Way

2008-05-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

Spring is wrapping up. Already. We're getting ready for Jake's graduation from high school. Can't wait to go see them. He'll be attending WSU in the fall. We're all so proud and excited. School ball is over for Zach. He got drafted to the Bruins for summer ball. He'll be traveling to Eugene and Missoula among other places, doing what he loves best...living it up behind the plate, blocking wild pitches, throwing runners out when they (stupidly) try to steal second, all that jazz.

Kenny went to regionals in Spokane for Special Olympics and won FOUR GOLD MEDALS! Wow, his best showing yet. He had his awards barbeque for school track tonight.

Kate arranged a very sweet "David's Restaurant" Mother's Day brunch for me and all the neighborhood moms. Spaghetti, salad and garlic bread on our deck. Warm sunshine and flowers and fancy placecards. It was lovely.

Then we joined the Meyer/Johnson clan for dessert that evening. Dessert and a cranium game that required odd gyrations from young and, ahem, what did Mindy call it? those more advanced in age, alike.

At school for me, the job is crazy-busy, especially with Melinda (our department head) on sabbatical, but it's good. Midterms are over and we're registering for fall quarter, which means we're on the downward slide toward summer.

We got our mound out front finally almost finished...thanks, Haroldson clan! We also got the baseboards around the hardwood floors done. Next is new windows! The place is really shaping up.

Okay, so what I didn't tell you is that: David's Restaurant always means a big mess, Kenny came home from Spokane crabby and we got in a big fight on the way to Mother's Day dessert and I'm so exhausted with this new job that I'm taking a nap almost every day and that there are moments I'd kill to hear an adult voice in my house. And somehow all of that is Dave's fault. Not really. Oh...and the baby cat is pregnant. Kittens anyone? There's always a down side. The ache, the missing him, the occasional flare of anger, the oft-felt anguish, the sweet imagining of his face, his voice.

TEAM MEYER RALLY CALL: our family friend who has been diagnosed with breast cancer is Kristi Wellington-Buttice. She's an amazing person, talented and dedicated and super, super smart. She's got the best attitude. She's sought out the best treatment there is. She's traveling every week to Seattle for chemo right now, which will later be followed up with radiation (6 weeks in Seattle) and surgery. I saw her today, and she looks fabulous. Her smile is radiant and I know if positive thinking makes a difference (which it DOES), she will be one to kick cancer's butt! She and her family need all the prayers you can muster.

A few weeks ago, I was reading the entries on Fred Schappert's guest book. Walla Walla is filled with the most caring people on this earth. I don't know if Kristi's going to set up a website. If she does, I'll post it here, but until then, please write in here with your thoughts and prayers for her, Forrest, Anthony (18), Nick (8)as well as her parent, Harv and Dee, and her niece Alyssa (17) and her stepdaughter Annaliese (10ish). I'll forward all of them to her. Let's bring the full force of our united faith into this fight on Kristi's behalf.

Much love to all of you. Chelle

PS. We're planning a summer trip to Chicago to meet up with Cathy and Cheri and all the kids, and Pete from Ohio is going to join us there, too. I can't wait until July!!

Prom Night

2008-05-03T20:12:00.001-07:00

Wasn't it just yesterday that Kenny was riding his little scooter, up and down Alder Street, scaring the passing motorists with his hairpin turns?
Wasn't it just last week that he boarded the big yellow bus with his Toy Story backpack, venturing into the big world of kindergarten?
Wasn't it just a short time ago that we took off the training wheels on his bike?
Look at him now!
Proud mom, not too many tears.
Dave do you see him? Aren't you proud?

Sunshine & Baseball

2008-04-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got a sunburn. That's right, a SUNburn. SUN! Glorious sun. I didn't even mind the sting in the shower this morning. Spring came and then it hid, and things have been pretty cold. Last week I wore gloves, hat and scarf to one of Z's games. It's nice to see the sun.

Yesteday, Will, Stacy, Ryan, Christian, Kyle and Caleb came to Zach's game. Z's comment: "Oh no, it's RICHLAND!" But the team did well, only lost by one run each game, so it was a good outing. It was great to see the Moaut clan again. What an amazing family. Kate and Ryan love to give each other a hard time, and Christian and Kenny had a lot of fun hanging out. Little Caleb loves Kaitlyn. He was very sad when she left for a birthday party. We all went out to dinner with Tiffany and her mom. What a great time. My kids are already asking when we can go to LaGrande. They like being around Will. It's like seeing Erik or Mark...it's just a little bit of Dave.

I hope you can hear the song:
You're still a part of everything I do,
You're on my heart, just like a tattoo,
I'll always have you.

Kaitlyn got braces!
And Kenny got smashed in the braces. His mouth is all torn up, and he's miserable. But he's got a date for the prom next weekend, so he's excited about that! He's running track for WaHi and track for Special Olympics, so he's busy!
Zach has summer season tryouts today. School ball is almost over.

The school year is almost over. It's gone so fast. I feel like I don't have time to think. Let alone get anything done. To prove it, here is a list of things that are broken at my house:
Kate's window. Still.
The downstairs light fixture. Still.
The garbage disposal.
The master bathroom sink.
The bathroom fan.
The microwave.
The dryer.
It's amazing what you can live without.
But I did get my baseboards done! After almost two years. Okay. So it wasn't me who did them. I hired someone. But I'm pretty proud of myself for finding time to make that strenuous phone call. So, about that disposal? Check back in 2010.

A family friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is seeking the best treatment, and she has such a strong, positive attitude and energy. She has a young family. Please pray for her. I was reading through Fred and Cheri Schappert's guestbook on their caringbridge site a few nights ago. Wow. Again I was amazed at Walla Walla (and contingencies...like the Haroldson outpost in Seattle and the Streeter outpost in Bend) and how much people care. I remember drawing so much strength and hope and comfort from all the prayers pouring out, not only for Dave, but for so many who suffer. Dee and I had a discussion about cancer being equal opportunity...no-one can be assured of exemption from this non-discriminatory destroyer. And I said, maybe it is discriminatory. It certainly seems that it often seeks out the best and brightest we have. I guess there are probably creepy people who get cancer, too, but I always seem to hear about these beautiful people with hearts of gold who have to fight this beast. Anyway, please pray for my friend and her family. I will check and see if it's okay to put her name up, but I do know that God will know who you mean.

And while you're at it, please pray for Cathy (my city mouse)'s niece who is battling breast cancer, too.

Music Video:
href="http://216.180.244.187/videos/j/jordin_sparks/tattoo.html" target="_blank">Tattoo by (Jordin Sparks)

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